I really don't want to be depressing all the time

Monday morning I had decided I was going to be hopeful and postive - and it was a pretty good day. DH was a little annoyed because he didn't hear anything back about his b/w, but I guess I subscribe to the "ignorance is bliss" philosophy.

I honestly think we need to get better at screening our calls.... because there is no way a Dr calling after hours is going to be good news. If it was good news, a nurse would have called and left a message. So it looks like it's not going to be one of the easy answers.... I am still trying to keep up hope until after the next appointment, but it really is getting harder. At some point, DH and I really need to talk about what we'll do if it turns out there isn't anything they can do. I've started to think about it, but I don't think I can put any of it into words yet.

In an effort to prove to myself that I haven't given up, I gave in and called for my cd 21 test results --- the curiosity got to me.

I think my heart is breaking and at the same time I keep praying for a miracle. I just don't know how much more crappy news I can handle.

Lucky me - another blood draw tomorrow! CD 21 progesterone test. Bonus is I think we'll get the results from DH's hormone panel. We just won't really know what it means to us until the consult in April. I'm hoping we'll have the results of the genetic test by then, too.

As much as it will hurt if we find out bad news, it may be better than the holding pattern we're in. I just want my baby and in the end it won't matter how we get him/her (although I'm not too keen on the whole donor concept... it's just too soon to think about that - strange that it seems to be more economically feasible than most adoptions). I have considered starting to look at our option of adopting, but it looks like you can't really get started with that until after all infertility testing/treatment is complete :-(. Thinking of how long that process takes makes me wonder when we'll have our little family. If it turns we have treatment options it could take up to another year to see if they've done anything... and then to wait on top of that...

So I guess I'm really still hoping for low hormones or something that might provide us with something to work with in 3-6 months. Hoping and wishing for a lot of things - but stuck with waiting to find out what it is.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Don't forget to wear a little green!

Hurry up and wait...

DH called the clinic to check on things today.... he has bloodwork scheduled for this week (the genetic testing results will take 3-4 weeks :-( praying everything comes out normal!) and they made the referral for the urologist. That appointment isn't until April! Meanwhile Dr Google is all about the pessimism.... I'm having a hard time finding anything that really makes me feel positive (but then I'm also afraid that if I think positive, it will be too easy to be let down). I am so hoping that I'm freaking out and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Still praying for an obstruction or something that can be resolved.

In the meantime my mantra is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Debbie Downer

FYI - i'm in Debbie Downer mode... but I figure since this is my blog, I can be -- and I'm not sure this will even make sense and I honestly am not sure I'll go back over it and try. This has been the longest week I've ever experienced. I keep hearing what the Dr said, but I know what the words mean, and that they're true - I just can't make it fit with my life. I keep thinking that there has to be a mistake, but I'm sure he wouldn't have told us if there was a chance of that.

I most hate that I don't know what to prepare us for until we get more information. I can think of what it means if we don't pursue treatment, but it kills me to think of getting the same outcome if we are to spend all our money and the emotional toll of trying to find out if there is anything we can do. We will... we at least need to know there's a chance ( because as far as we know there still is one). I hate the waiting....I understand we need the time to process, but I guess I just need to know if we can there is something we can do or if we need to move on and save our money to put towards other options.

It's weird because I feel like I'm being over dramatic to vocalize it - even if it is true with the information we have now. Next week will be the first time in over a year where the 2ww really won't mean anything, I won't even know when it starts because I've stopped temping. If I start my next cycle late, or am tired, or dizzy, or thirsty or experience any number of other symptoms I will know they're in my head. There is no reason to wonder until we can talk to the specialist and hear back from them. We can hope in the long term, but not in the short term. We've been waiting for the referral from Dr , and it feels like we should have heard something by now, but I guess we have to remember it was only 4 business days even though it's felt like months.

The hardest part of all is that I don't know what DH is feeling - we've only been able to talk about it a little bit, because he doesn't want to discuss it until we know what we're dealing with. As far as we've really gotten is that it's not fair, it's no one's fault, it's not fair, we'll make it through it, and we're at least going to pursue an actual diagnosis - after that I guess we can reevaluate.

ugh

Well, it looks like the my prolactin retest didn't turn out quite as expected - it actually went up (43 up from 24), so I get meds. Trying very hard to see the point in filling the prescription they called in for me. DH actually voiced the question, and I think I responded with something about being a hormonally balanced wife (seriously, what husband doesn't wish for that?!?)
I'll finish out the prescription for the bromocriptine and then get retested, after that, the only thing left is my day 21 progesterone (but once again, does it really matter what it is right now? I could see in a few months when we know more about what we're dealing with) I'm trying really hard to believe it does and will matter soon(eventually?).

Maybe some sleep will help me out of my funk... it's been a sleepless couple of nights and the days have been dragging. It feels like it's been at least a week since Monday afternoon. I wish it could be Friday again, when there was something to laugh at, besides the irony of treating a something that won't really help us right now anyway.

because I think I might need the reminder

I have read this before somewhere on the internet, but most recently on IloveJav's blog - so that is where I copied it from. It rings especially true to how I am feeling today and I thought I'd put it here so I can come back and read it when I need some extra comfort.

~What God meant when he gave me infertility..

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die. What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known. While I would never have chose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say " Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

crazy day

My HSG was uneventful and hardly more uncomfortable than a pap smear - I was a little distracted, though. We got a little bad news today, so if you have any spare good thoughts or prayers we could really use them.

Cold Rainy Sunday

So much for my productive day... It is cold and rainy and the gloom just sucks up all of my motivation. First thing to go was the trip to the gym (still feeling guilty about that....) I'm hoping I can manage to get laundry finished and vacuum the living room. DH is out playing with friends so I'm watching Devil Wears Prada and Bring It On will be next - I guess it will be a good day for procrastinating!

ugh - I think it just started sleeting now :-(

so what you're saying is....

no hanky panky before the next blood test? hehe I have been giggling all afternoon (or at least since I got my bloodwork results) and I figure that is proof that I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old.

I guess everything looked good but my prolactin is a little high (24 and they like to see 20 or less...no clue what units that's supposed to be in). Doesn't sound like there is really anything to worry about, I just need to go in and get retested on Tues morning, this time I just need fasting levels. Darn, nothing to eat or drink after midnight....I totally am in bed by then anyway and skipping bfast just means I get Starbucks on my way to work, right?

So anyway, the fun part of the conversation was when the nurse tried to delicately go over one of the causes of elevated prolactin - nipple stimulation. So apparently that won't be allowed before the retest either. LOL. (or course here I am trying my hardest to remember if anything was going on in our house that may be to blame..... but I guess my memory is going). According to the internet, emotional stress can also elevate your prolactin level -- but I wouldn't have been stressed the other day would I? Um yea... so possible cause number 2!

I have spent a lot of time consulting Dr Google this evening and want to propose new instructions for the test sheet we got from the Dr.

Current instructions read something like: On CD 1 call to schedule CD 3 bloodwork.

New instructions should read : On CD 1 call to schedule CD 3 bloodwork. Patient should refrain from nipple/sexual stimulation and emotional stress for 24 hours before blood draw. :-)

I think this is hilarious - DH not so much - he just isn't seeing the humor! I figure it's my test results, so if I want to find something humorous it is totally my choice. There is so much about this process that is uncomfortable (discussing sex with dr you're meeting for the first time, having dr look at lady parts when meeting him for the 2nd time... I could go on) that it is nice to laugh at what I can. I feel like I am in a good place with this whole process right now - for sure a better place than I was 6 months ago. Some of it is just the realization that as much as I'd like to control it I can't. As much as I'd give up to have a baby, I have to admit that it will happen when it's the right time, and there are probably some reasons why DH and I will be better off with this extra time to prepare. I don't like thinking this way, because I sometimes start to go down the "why me" or "why us" path, and there just isn't a reason. It is what it is, and hopefully it just means that we'll have gained an understanding and patience that will help us to be better parents.

That was painless!

I don't know why I was so anxious about the cd 3 u/s! It was completely painless and over in a flash. The worst part was the 15 minutes I had to sit on the examination table with no pants on - wondering who was going to be doing the u/s (have I mentioned yet that I'm extremely uncomfortable with having a male dr?).

Anyway, it was a female staff member and she was very nice! She showed me my ovaries and the egg sacs and said that there are a good number there (she counted 8 on each ovary, and I guess they look for at least 5). She reminded me to take some motrin or advil before the HSG (Monday!) and said that I could call for my blood work results tomorrow. She asked about what other tests I was going to be having and when we should touch base with the Dr again to go over the game plan.

I am so glad I took today off work! It is super nice out :-) I'm sitting here with the windows open and I think I'm going to eat lunch outside today. The puppy will be glad to get outside, too! All in all, a good day (I even have girls night tonight!)

It's going to be a busy month!

So, I called and scheduled all my testing today. Thurs is bloodwork and u/s, next Monday is the HSG, and then another 2 weeks after that more bloodwork. Plus, I have a dentist appointment at the end of the month. Since I really don't want to explain why I'd need to leave for a couple hours Thursday morning and then leave early again Monday, I've just decided to take a vacation day on Thurs. I am so excited! I've been feeling burnt out the last couple weeks and really need a day off. Then hopefully I can come back and be focused! (I think once the HSG is done I'll be able to concentrate a bit better - I've spent a lot of work time preoccupied). Now I just have to get over my irrational fear of the male dr.

so exercise makes you feel better?

It's one of those things that I know, but I have a hard time getting it to sink in. Even when I know I'll feel better after a jog, I still come hope hoping DH won't want to go. I think it's my innate laziness ;-) But it did make me feel better today, and I pushed myself -- so I have no excuses the next time (maybe I should have thought about that before....) My original goal was to jog 1.25 miles then walk/jog on and off for the rest of the hour. Instead, I ended up pushing to jog the first half hour (2.5 miles) and then alternated. 5 miles in just over an hour, so if we actually make it to the gym 2 or 3 times a week I might not die during Dam to Dam. (I am seriously -kind of- afraid of that....last year I watched a few of the people finishing before the 5K started and saw at least 3 people pass out and even more throw up right at the finish line!)

Have I whined about how FF is on crack yet? I normally use charting for informational purposes - learned a long time ago that 'pretty' doesn't mean anything and I try not to read to much into it. It's just that it keeps moving my crosshairs and I had a temp dip today. I'm just ready to start the next cycle. I've been stressing about the HSG since our consult and want to get it overwith! This process is really starting to wear on DH and I hate that there isn't anything I can do. Maybe we'll be one of those couples that gets lucky after the HSG?!?

Ah well - off to bed and a relaxing episode of scrubs. I'll need to be well rested to make it through the rest of the week :-) I definately need a random day off this month - just have to pick a day (maybe next week?) to take it!