30 Day Shred Level 1, Day 1

It looks like I've come full circle this past year. It was just over one year ago that I started this blog to chronicle my workout efforts. It was just under one year ago that I shifted my workouts to jogging in order to "train" for the October half-marathon.

Why am I trying to start an overall fitness routine again? Because even my fat pants are too small now. Clothes that used to fall off me, are snug or unwearable. And basically, that is just added sh$t that I don't want to deal with.

Sooo.. I'm hoping to get a more balanced approach this year. I think I can do it. Last year my longest run prior to the half was 6 miles. So far I've done one run of 6.5 - and I still have another 2 months to train. Adding some overall conditioning should only help....right? I'd really like to improve my times - it's hard to get the miles out when you know you'll be running for 2-3 hours.

You would think

I keep thinking that since I have all this time where we are just waiting, that I could stop thinking about it. I just can't. Everyday I look at the calendar and make a mental note of either how many days/weeks until I get to meet with the therapist or until we find out if we can try for a biological child. Thankfully, the appointment with the therapist comes first.

I've tried a few different tactics to take my mind off of it but they haven't really been working.

Believe me, I know these aren't exactly new or original thoughts - I'm sure that there are a lot of other ladies out there that have felt the exact same way (and that helps more than you know).

How did I get here? Shouldn't TTC be an exciting time - how did it turn into something so painful and downright scary?

Should I really feel as badly as I do about all of this? I have a pretty great life and a good marriage. We are both relatively healthy and employed. We have a house we can still afford - two wonderful kitties and our pup that fill the house with fur, entertainment, and love.

This isn't the worst thing that could happen. I know that. And it's not like there aren't other options - either donor options or adoption. Why doesn't that feel like enough?

Why am I always asking 'why'? I hate that I always feel like a whiny baby when I think about how we're going to get through this.

How do I balance my anger, sadness, and jealousy when I should be feeling happy for others. Will I ever get over wondering if someone had to try "hard enough" to get their baby and if they didn't really have to try, do the appreciate that?

Is it ok for me to throat punch the next person who asks me 1) are we going to have children 2) when are we going to have children 3) don't we want children and 4) (my new favorite) "So are you guys waiting until you're 40 to have kids, or what"?