I've never been a decisive person. If a menu has too many things on it, I have trouble choosing my dinner. Obviously, this issue is magnified by 1000 for emotional issues.
DH recently decided he's come around to the idea of donor egg - yay! - but he put quite a few conditions on it. For example, we can only try it once and if it doesn't work we can't do any treatments until it's paid off. The last 3 months have been hell-ish... I honestly don't think I could handle a year or longer while we pay off that bill. Then there's the fact that he doesn't really want to go that direction and he feels like his opinion(s) were brushed aside on our other cycles.
Why can't I be more flexible with this? I really want to want what he wants (say that 3 times fast). I just can't get there and wonder if I ever will?
After another phone call with the RE, it really doesn't seem like DE is the direction we need to go right now. Certainly not the "logical" choice. Adoption isn't an option for DH right now, either.
I get mentally that a baby that is biologically related to both of us is not going to happen - I just can't accept it yet (don't want to accept it?). I'm so desperate to figure out a way to make it worth trying again, I'm worried I might not be able to let go.
When I talked to the RE the other day, I asked about doing a 3dt. Really - we haven't tried that yet, so it's an option we should pursue, right? ::insert eye roll:: I was 100% expecting him to say I was crazy and there was no point. That it wouldn't make a difference for a couple who has had 0 out of 10 embryos to transfer at day 5. But he didn't! He said it wouldn't hurt - it probably wouldn't help - but it wouldn't hurt.
Crap
Can you really justify $12,000 on that? Why couldn't I have asked this before our last IVF? Do I really think our embryos hate the clinic's lab that much? No.
Do I want to believe this will make all the difference? That the dream I had (over a year ago) about getting pregnant with a 3dt was a sign? Yes.
Am I certifiably BSC? YES.
Will making some sort of decision that sabotages the chance of a successful IVF cycle cause some serious, possibly permanent damage to my marriage? Probably.
Sigh.
But maybe this is all it would take? We can have our biological baby and live in a utopia of parenthood forever. Right?
{eight year well child}
8 years ago
