Back in my fat pants :(

I've pretty much always struggled with my weight and I've been on a "diet" or some sort since I was about 10 or so. The first year of college wasn't very kind to me but a crazy work schedule the summer after my freshman year helped me get down to about 140 lbs...one day I even saw 139 (I honestly dream about seeing that number on a scale again. I saw it once and it's now become the unattainable goal). I maintained that size for a couple years but gained again when DH and I were dating.

I lost that weight before our wedding - again a crazy work schedule (I worked 3rd shift) and a diet mt dew for "lunch" every night. After the wedding I gained again but I don't think I realized how quickly or how much I was gaining. I was very unhappy working night shift and didn't really fit in the position I had at work. I was stopping for a donut or two almost every morning on my way home from work and washing that down with a beer while I searched for a new job.

I did find a new job (day hours), we moved back to a town where we knew people, and I weighed myself. I topped out at about 164. Somehow I was able to lose that - probably more slowly than I remember it being. I was getting into running and my work schedule had me home about 4:30 or 5pm so we could get to the gym before it got busy and home again before it was too late. Plus, I think I was happy.

That job started getting pretty stressful and even though I'm a stress eater - I was too stressed to eat. I was also working out with a trainer for a bit around that time (to help me reduce my stress) and even though I wasn't particularly happy with life - I was pretty darn happy with my body. Never got down much past 142 but was pretty toned for me.

They cycle began again - found a new job, was happier, lost some of my muscle tone but my clothes still fit and the scale didn't move up too much. Then about a year after that I gained a little. Not lifting made me a little flabbier....we'd been trying for a baby for a few months and I started eating a little more....148 lbs. I said I'd never get back up above 150 so I joined weight watchers. Lost a few pounds.

I think I was at about 144 or 145 with clothes on at our 1st RE appt. 8 or 9 months later (when we started our first IVF) I was about 156 or 157 without clothes. Those 12 pounds really snuck up on me, I was running all last summer and knew my pants were getting a bit tight but I couldn't really stop or lose that weight.

Last fall I started tri training - 2 days of spinning for an hour and 2 days swimming for an hour. I tried to run on Friday but skipped once in awhile. Still couldn't lose but at least I wasn't gaining. Didn't gain over the winter, or in HI, or during our last IVF cycle. Even made it most of the way through the summer.... but now I've been teetering on the edge of 160 again. 159 some days, 161 others.

I'm still not sure how this happened. All I know is that I broke down today and got my fat pants out. The pants I used to be able to pull off without unbuttoning. The pants I packed away for when I was pregnant so I could put off buying maternity pants. And they fit. One pair is even a bit snug.

I really don't even know what to do. I've been working out and tracking my food. I'm eating healthier than I used to and I'm almost at my heaviest weight ever. I want to be in good shape when I get pregnant. I want 160 to be the number I see a few months in to the pregnancy or near the end. Not where I start. I want my smaller jeans and my cute shirts to fit. I'm sick of hiding my muffin top under my over sized race shirts.