Hope

Can't live with it - can't live without it. Hope creeping in increases the potential for extreme emotional disappointment.

Hope and excitement are starting to creep in for our DE cycle. I'm still a little disappointed (ok a lot disappointed and still very angry and sad) that MY eggs don't work. I'm also sad at some of the/my physical characteristics we had to give up in order to find a donor we liked who was willing to donate this year.

It hurts to know that my baby (if we're so lucky) could never have brown eyes, since our donor blue eyes. Even though we don't know that he/she would anyway, it's the fact that the possibility isn't there.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will love any baby we get with my whole heart - I just hope some of the sadness that it can't happen the way it's "supposed" to goes away.

No One Wins in the Pain Olympics

I'm not sure what it is about human nature that makes us want to compare our experiences with others. I'd like to think it comes from a "good" place of wanting to relate to others and provide reassurance/hope/whatever. It's probably equally likely that it's trying an attempt to validate our own feelings and try to find someone who can relate to what we've been through and to understand us.

One thing I've learned while dealing with IF, is that you really can't understand what someone else is going through without going through it yourself. And since no one will have the exact same history/background, even similar experiences will never be the same for any 2 people.

Even knowing this I still get pulled into the trap of comparisons. I feel like it's so much harder with my IRL friends than my lovely e-friends. I have a friend from work who has been dealing with unexplained IF (unless they've gotten a new dx and I don't know). As much as I try, I cannot figure out how to relate to her or talk about IF stuff without wanting to smack my head against a wall.

She and her husband took a very relaxed "see what happens" approach to TTC - I can't relate to that. Once I went off BC it was on (like Donkey Kong). When we hit a year I scheduled an appointment with a doctor. I couldn't have waited the 2 or 3 years they did.

We did our testing somewhere around the same time. When her husband's SA came back she was disappointed that it was normal because she didn't want it to be something wrong with her. Before DH got his SA, I prayed that it would be normal - I can't even imagine ever hoping for a male factor issue (if there was a problem I wanted the "control").

Since they are unexplained, in my head that means they have a chance of spontaneous conception and possibly a good chance at IVF working (even though I know after all of this a spontaneous pregnancy probably isn't a good chance...and to her it might as well be a 0% chance). For us it that chance isn't there at all. And right now there is an extreme jealousy issue on my part.

She was on long lupron for her first IVF and was cancelled for low response - I can't imagine how scary and crushing that is... I know I can't since even though I didn't get tons of eggs I responded ok. She'd had good response to oral meds, so I was optimistic for her (it's always easier to hope for someone else than yourself, isn't it?) that a change of protocol could be what she needed.

Her 2nd attempt she had 14 follicles and retrieved 10. They had 2 to transfer and 1 to freeze. I can't relate to this at all. In my head, she has it all. She has a real chance of this IVF working and it hurts like crap. My last real life IF friend and I'm getting left behind.

On Friday (day before her beta) she mentioned that she didn't know which would be worse having had no embryos or going through the 2ww and finding out the cycle didn't work. Shouldn't I be glad she didn't have to find out? Be happy that she had 2 blasts to transfer and one on ice? Instead I was so angry that she'd even question it. I don't know which is worse. Is there a worse? Isn't it a bunch of BS all around? I can say from experience that not having an embryo to transfer is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It didn't hurt less the 2nd or 3rd time. It could have been more expected or I could have been more numb to it but it wasn't better one time over another.

I didn't get a message over the weekend or today that her IVF didn't work. It could be that she isn't ready to talk about it not working or she doesn't know how to tell me it did. I couldn't really blame her after a comment I made Friday afternoon - one I wish I could have taken back as soon as it slipped out.

So when I should be hoping all the best for her, my major emotions are fear that I'm going to be left behind as the most infertile infertile, anger that there is so much more potential hurt and disappointment in the future, and sadness at how alone I feel since I don't have anyone left IRL who I feel can even remotely relate to this hell and the disappointment we've already experienced.

Wallowing and randomness

I haven't had much inspiration to post in awhile. You could say I've been in a mood.

I've been all wallow-y and angry lately. Wallowing because I've started getting lapped by others dealing with infertility. It's not just the spontaneous pregnancies but some ladies who cycled around the time of our first IVF are going back to treatment, too.

Of course, I should be super excited for their successes and I am happy for them BUT I am jealous (very, very jealous). Then I'm pissed at myself for all the jealousy I'm feeling.

I'm also very, very angry at all the ladies out there who seem to have what I want most in the world. Good eggs and plenty of them (ok - 2nd most because first most is a baby)). We've been looking at donor profiles and besides making me sad, I can't get over how pissed I am that not only do these girls have really good eggs but they have extras to spare.

That's not exactly the grateful donor recipient attitude I should have, is it?

Why do my eggs have to suck so much? I've looked through my testing info - I don't have a super human response to stims but my AFC is decent. My FSH is below 5. Everything is normal, except my eggs can't support decent embryo growth. Why? We were responsible. Did everything in the right order. Waited an "appropriate" amount of time after getting married to start trying but didn't wait "too" long. It's all complete bull shit.

Then I wonder if we're being selfish going this direction instead of adopting. And I wonder how we're going to manage with the credit cards we'll probably have to max out to do this (for an unknown chance at being successful). I've pondered the idea of adopting and then trying for a pregnancy later but I don't see being able to take that kind of financial risk if we already had a child. If it weren't for the financial aspects I'd be doing much more serious looking into our adoption options. I also can't see not trying with DH's sperm considering he had two surgeries to get what we have frozen.

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be partially through the process if this next cycle doesn't work out. Heck, I wouldn't mind being into the process even if the cycle DOES work. we just wouldn't be able to handle the cycle costs and adoption fees at anytime close together.

I hate that I have to deal with this and I hate that friends have to deal with it. This sucks.

Time is standing still

A big change from the last 2-3 years, right?


I never really posted about our WTF but there weren't really any surprises. You don't do 3 IVF's with nothing to transfer and expect puppy dogs and rainbows.

We can try DE but don't really know what kind of chance we'll have. Could be the same as the clinic's typical rates, could be slightly lower because of the MFI issue, or it could be WAAAY lower. And it'll be right around 18K to find out.

We've been trying to figure out how much insurance might pick up (turns out I have pretty great insurance that covers donor egg... Or it would have - if I hadn't used up my benefits). At least the transfer would be covered since we haven't done that yet :P

So here we are. Waiting for information from the clinic, from my Benefits Advocate at work, from the insurance company. Waiting for the husband to decide what kind of cash he's willing to gamble. Waiting to get too involved into looking at adoption in case we do try DE.

I'm tired of waiting. I want my baby dammit.

I don't think I can survive another week

I'm not sure why it always amazes me so much but it seems as stuck as I am, the rest of the world keeps going. Life goes on even when it doesn't feel like I'm living it - or even participating. I called the day after our "transfer" and still couldn't get in to see our RE until the end of next week. I really don't think I can handle waiting until then. It's not that I actually want to hear what he has to say (i'm guessing it will be something like "your eggs are super crap") but I need to hear it so that we can move forward. Whatever that means.

One

We'll see what Wednesday brings.


(FYI-I'm not feeling nearly as balanced as that sounds)

Three

The Dr called about 11:30 yesterday...a little later than they normally do but I guess in the back of my mind I kind of realized that might happen since it was a weekend.

They tried fertilizing 5 and 3 made it. In reality that isn't much different than the 4 we can last time - of course, that was 4 of 8 so maybe this is a little better?

So the Dr called, told me how many fertilized, said they'd see me Wed for the transfer of 2 or maybe all 3. That's when I lost it. I managed to sputter out something like "do you think any will make it". He answer: and said I'd get an update if anything happened.... and I cried more. Pretty I'd scared the crap out of DH with all my crying at that point.

Then we went to run some errands and eat Red Lobster :) (I am a total emotional eater if you haven't noticed).

In all honesty, I have a lot of hope for others when they get 4 or 5 mature eggs. See no reason why an IVF can't work with 3 embryos - FOR THEM.

I don't buy it for us. I've had more eggs than this (and they were all mature so WTH happened this time) and we've had more embryos than this. BUT we didn't make it to transfer either of those times. I know we made a pretty major change but I still imagine walking into the clinic getting the same bad news.

A watched pot never boils

And the phone never rings when you're sitting around the house waiting for your fert report.

Not only am I getting pissy that my day will be on hold until they call but I am paranoid that they are trying to call and the phone isn't ringing. (My phone frequently sends callers straight to voicemail and without me ever knowing)

I don't know what to do anymore

This morning we got 9 but only 4 or 5 are mature. I don't even know what to do with that information. Other cycles we've gotten about 50% fert so that doesn't seem good either.

I just don't know if I can handle another cancelled transfer. We couldn't even make it that far when I had 12 mature. I really thought my expectations for this cycle were reasonable but this hurts so much more than I'd imagined.

I can't handle not knowing what we're going to do next or if trying donor egg will be a colossal failure, too.

and.....

I triggered tonight! ER is early, early, early Friday morning.

I have to admit I've been a little peeved at my slow, lazy ovaries this week... I am on the same dose of everything I've been on the last 2 cycles and I still wasn't ready for a Wed or Thurs ER (Nurse said it was somewhat related to my high estrogen at the beginning of my cycle. There is actually one other patient this week who is having the same situation).

Since I was out of repronex, I was able to use some of the follistim I had left instead. I did 150 of that last night and went in for a last minute scan this morning. I guess everything looked good because I got to trigger tonight.

I'm a bit bummed because I've really been counting on a reason to take 2 days of vacation this week and now I don't have one. The very good news is...


DH will be here for my ER now! He's been gone for work since the beginning of March and was supposed to get back on Sat. I guess they decided last week that they were coming back a couple days early. He had everything all arranged to surprise me but called today when I told him I finally had a trigger time (thought since he would be here it would be good for me to let my coworker know she didn't have to give me a ride).

I am so relieved. There hasn't been a melt down yet but I know there are one or two coming...and it's so nice that there is a smaller chance it will be in front of co-worker :)

The nurse wouldn't tell me how many follicles I have in the running - she'd only go as far as saying plenty >:( What kind of an answer is that?!?! A nurse the other day said 10-12 so I hope that is still the case.

Now the next 33-ish hours just have to go fast!

Some days it's hard to blog

Sometimes it's because I'm in such a foul mood I don't want to share that with others or thinks are going pretty well and I don't make time. Tonight it's because I have the cuddliest little kitty hogging all my lap space. But he purrs so I'll try to work around him :)

The other day I got an award :) I have to say it did brighten my day a bit! This week has been a bit rough not knowing how my estrogen level would be on Friday and some other dwelling on the past (I'm sure I'll go into that later).
First off we'll cover the matter of the award.

Here’s how it works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. Serendipite (Who Am I, Why Am I Here?) presented me with the award. Thanks!
   
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
4. Contact these blogs and tell them about the award

I'll see if I can come up with 7 semi-interesting things...
1) In college I got into more than one "discussion" with others regarding my eating habits. One night a girl on my floor actually told me I couldn't eat a BBQ sandwich because it was meat and I was a vegetarian. I've never been vegetarian - I just like to eat salad when it's available :)
2) My husband will keep me from being a crazy cat lady - but I think I have a problem. We have 2 cats and a dog. I almost came home with a Great Dane from Petsmart yesterday. I took the pup to get her nails done and the rescue was there...soooo tempting.
3) I have an obsession with makeup. The specific type of makeup seems to vary but I have spent an insane amount of money on makeup that I can't possibly wear. A couple years ago it was mineral makeup - Right now I'm on a mission to find the perfect foundation. On a daily basis, I wear powder foundation, a little eyeshadow and some lipgoss - it disappears within a couple hours....it will take me my whole life to use everything I have.
4) I would love to do a 70.3 someday. If I ever complete a marathon the goal will be to do a full Ironman. I think people who can do this are crazy awesome.
5) I'm really shy IRL and will avoid social situations that require me to be around people I don't know well... especially if they know each other.
6) I have watched 2 seasons of Angel in the last week. He's so pretty.
7) From age 5-~19 I wanted to go to med school and be a pediatrician. The main reason I didn't is because I was traumatized by high school biology and put off taking it in college. By the time I was at the end of my 2nd year, I didn't want to start taking all the prereqs. For awhile I also thought about going back to school for pediatric nursing. I wonder what my mental state would be if I'd done either of those things...

It looks like some of the bloggers I'd have nominated were nominated by others - so my list is a bit short.
A Long Road Ahead
One Little Pink Line Short of Sheer Bliss
Our Crazy Life


In other updates, Friday my estrogen was down to 220 and my RE gave the go ahead for me to start stims tomorrow. I thought I'd started spotting Friday morning and again yesterday... but today I'm sure :P I will take that as a good sign.

Thursday marked 2 years from when we got our dx. That combined with my birthday coming up is hitting me pretty hard. Then I think about my friend having her 2nd baby next week (this week?) and I'm near a full blown melt down. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years and it feels like we're in the same place.

I tried to go to baby gap to get a gift this afternoon and couldn't do it. Couldn't look at anything on the website either :( In the same 3+ years she'll have 2 babies and I still have none. We don't even know what route to take to be successful. This IVF should have been in Nov, so that we could have some answers by now. frick frick frick.

Wouldn't want this to be too easy, would we?

My major paranoia for this cycle is that I'm going to be over suppressed. I've also been a little worried because I haven't had a withdrawal bleed since I stopped birth control. The clinic doesn't require it and says some people don't have one. However, the first 2 cycles I did and it was always by my baseline appt.

Enter my baseline appointment today and SURPRISE - wait - can I beg for no surprises? I don't like them. I am not a fan of surprises when it comes to IF, IVF, etc.

Anyway, the u/s went fine and I planned to start stims Monday per my calendar. And then this afternoon I got the call. The voicemail from the clinic that they wanted to touch base.

This doesn't happen. I have NEVER gotten a call after a monitoring appt. They only call if something is changing. This means that pretty much all calls are less than ideal. Today this means my estrogen is high. No cyst found at the u/s, so I don't know what would cause this? It's not just a little high either - it's 300 something and should be around 50 or 60. So I get a recheck Friday and if it's still high, I'm not sure what we'll do. I know I won't get to start stims Monday. Will I just stay on lupron a little longer? Will I stop lupron and have to start everything over later?

As much as I would have liked to know the what if's I decided not to ask. I am trying very hard not to think too far ahead. Stay positive that Friday's levels will be in range and all that jazz. Who am I fooling? I'm completely worried. Part of me would rather cancel everything now because it's not "right". I don't want to start a cycle that already has a road block. I don't want to stay on lupron longer because I'm still afraid of it affecting my follicle count once I do start stims.

I just want something to go right for once damnit.

Well, Lupron, it's been awhile

I haven't missed you at all. The mid afternoon sleepiness. The night sweats. The forgetfulness. The brain fog. Did I mention the night sweats?

Please be easy on me this time through. I'm under a lot of stress like now and would like to get a full night sleep without waking up soaked. Not to mention my performance at work....it's been suffering the last two years and the last thing I need is to fall asleep at my desk in the afternoon.

I'd really like you to do your job and nothing more - no need to be an over achiever. Please make sure I don't ovulate before ER but still let the Follistim and Repronex do their jobs, too.

If all goes well I won't see you again for a couple years.

To my readers in Iowa

I'm sure we've all heard about the new bill declaring that life begins at conception. While we all have our individual views on abortion and when someone should be able to end a pregnancy, this bill could extend even further. One of the first things I thought of when I saw the media coverage, was how it could affect my family building options (and the options of my friends).

I think the current statistic is that 1 in8 or 1 in 10 couples suffer from infertility. This number is even higher in Iowa (about 1 in 5). Even if you don't think you personally know someone with Infertility, it is likely that more than one family member, friend, or coworker is dealing with this.

We may not all make the same choices when it comes to pursuing treatment (or not). But I believe it should remain a personal choice. It certainly shouldn't be dictated by someone who has never faced the decision.

Please take some time to visit the link below and think of your family and friends who may be using this technology to build their families. Think of those who have had to make the agonizing decision of ending a very much WANTED and celebrated pregnancy for whatever reason. This may be someone you know, even if you don't know about it.

Then please send a letter to your representative (or all of them) - you can even personalize it a portion of it.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=329

It's ON!

I am terrified. I have no idea what to even expect anymore especially since I'm going to be on lupron an extra week (to coordinate with RE's schedule). I'm about a week into the birth control and starting up the antibiotics (I REALLY hope they help clear up my skin because it needs help!).

I'd like to say that I just hope for embryos to transfer this time around but who am I kidding?


AHHHH! Time to start my relaxation tapes again!

3 years and why I don't look forward to the New Year

I realize the New Year is almost a full month in now and I never did one of those posts looking back on 2010 or a post on how I'm looking forward to 2011.

For the last few years, it's been hard to get excited for January and for the New Year because it's another year we've been trying to have a baby. There is no happy excitement about what might happen this year because I can't even imagine this year being much different from the last two. Instead of being excited for the future, I'm wondering what new setback we'll have next. (Have I mentioned that I'm convinced my ute healed funky and we won't be able to try for a pregnancy again?)

We first started trying in Jan of 2008. I remember in Feb or March not understanding why it hadn't happened yet. We'd waited so that we'd be in a good place if it did. I'd started charting as soon as I went off the pill. We were ready - so where was the darn baby already?!?!

And now it's been 3 flipping years. Next month will be 2 years from our first visit with the RE. March will be 2 years from our first dx. In almost 2 years time, we've done 2 IVFs, DH has had 2 surgeries, and I've had one. There has been no baby. There has not even been a chance at a baby unless you count those 10 embryos that should have made a baby but weren't strong enough to even make it into my uterus.

How did we get to this point? How has it been 2 years and we're ultimately in the same place we were to start with? Why can't we just get this sh$t over with, so we can know what will or won't work and move on?

While I'm at it - why won't that stupid adoption agency be more supportive of pursuing adoption and IF treatments at the same time? I hate that we can't do both and just see what works first.

All about numbers

1 : number of lunch invitations we (DH and I) declined because we were afraid it would include a pregnancy announcement

2 : Facebook pregnancy announcements in two days

14 : weeks along of first announcement

4: approx weeks along of second (just took pregnancy test - replied to first announcement that she hoped she was pregnant, too. It was just too soon to know. *squee*)
Oh and who the hell says "Welcome to the Breeding Club". WTF?!?

2.5 : hours elapsed between taking pregnancy and announcing it to the FB world

40 : cycles that have come and gone since H and I started TTC

8 : weeks until I can start BCP for our next IVF

99 : % chance that DH's work is going to some how make us push our IVF back some more

45 : the number of minutes I spent driving to/from and waiting for the Dr today, just to be told I should wait a couple more weeks to see if my lymph node gets back to normal

13: days of Z-pak I took before calling said Dr because lymph node is still enlarged (per instructions from other Dr)

20: dollars I now owe the Dr for the most useless appt ever

2000 : amount I will be paying the mechanic when my car gets all fixed up this weekend