Really?

About a week ago I noticed a swollen/lumpy area on my throat. The sore throat I had at the same time mostly went away over the weekend but it's still a little hard to swallow when I'm eating. I decided to make an appointment for it tomorrow since I was off work but the Drs office was booked today, tomorrow, and Friday. While I was perfectly ok waiting until Monday, the person in scheduling suggested I see one of the Drs working urgent care today instead of trying to schedule something for next week.

I went, I sat, I waited...and waited. Why is it that the waiting is always so much longer than the time you spend with the Dr? Anyway, it turns out I have a swollen lymph node (suck it, R - I wasn't imagining things even if you couldn't feel it). Apparently, this is probably caused by an infection somewhere - most likely a skin infection. Then the nice Dr commented on the ugly breakout I have and noticed that the acne issue is worse on the side with the swollen lymph node.

Awesome.

So, let's see...I'm 29 and have skin so bad that it's caused an infection. Really?!? Hopefully, the antibiotics will clear up the skin issue. I've been considering taking something for my skin again since it's been so bad, I just figured I should wait so I don't wonder if it somehow impacted my egg quality.

That thought actually leads me to wonder - will there ever be a day when I don't wonder if every.little.thing will have some impact on my fertility? I'd like to think so but there is a distinct possibility that I'm so crazy I'll still be analyzing things when I'm 50 wondering "what if". I hope not.

I'm considering it a positive thing that for the first time in 3 years (41 cycles), I didn't know what cycle day it was and couldn't remember the day my last period started. Does that count as progress? Have I come to terms with what our options really are or is it just that I've completely given up?

Something for me to ponder... while I'm pondering how well alcohol goes with my Zpak :)

Why Exercise and Alcohol don't mix

The feeling you have at 6am from 2 or 3 (ok...maybe more like 4) glasses of wine is much different than how you feel at 4:30 am. Plus, I HAVE to go to work. I did not have to go to spin.

In the last 6-ish weeks, I think I've worked out 3 times....I need to get back into my routine!

I'll take my Holiday Cheer from the bottle

I'll admit my Grinch like tendencies have been surfacing. I don't know if it's all picture Christmas cards (that have been going straight to the trash...not too proud of that) or what. The past two years I've been mostly able to handle the cards.

Last year, we only displayed the close friends/ those whose kids were "planned". Hows that for bitchy. This year we look at them and they're out long enough for whoever didn't open the card to see them. Then they go to the garbage. One card through me into an ugly meltdown since that's how I found out the gender of their new baby on the way. That reaction didn't make me feel all that proud, either.

So my cheer this year will be provided by a nice little buzz courtesy of the liquor department or the new Trader Joes. I should have a great time sampling my way through the 3 buck chuck and beer varieties. So yea, until the new year I'll be allowing myself plenty to drink and I'll save that part of my healthy attitude until after.

Maybe once I stop drinking as much, I'll be able to get up early for my workouts again, too :P

Four weeks of doing nothing is apparently too long (not that I didn't enjoy it ;) ) I went back to spin this morning and it was rough. It was insanely hard to get up this morning...so cold and dark. Class wasn't much better. It seems like I've lost quite a bit of strength/endurance during my break. I just hope it comes back to me.

I only felt some little twinges around my incision and avoiding aero position seemed to help. Tomorrow I hope to get up early enough that I'm the first one to the pool. I'd like to avoid showcasing my weird stomach bulge. I notice it through my jeans so I haven't been looking forward to wearing a swimming suit.

When I called to ask how long the weirdness (I have lots of fun names for the bulge...my favorite is DH's "stomach dimple". It almost sounds cute!) would last, the nurse said she'd had a c-section late this summer and still had hers. Not what I wanted to hear. Plus, I think mine should go away more quickly because I didn't get the take home prize :P

Oh yea - one year ago tomorrow we went in for our first (cancelled) transfer. I remember how cheerful and optimistic we were while we killed some time with an IHOP breakfast. I'm not sure you can get that kind of naive optimism back but it would be nice if you could. For now I'll just sulk about how we should be getting ready for a possible transfer this week but my stupid ute had to ruin it. To make myself feel better - prepare to be jealous- I'm having a bacon-cheese Angus burger for dinner. I'm only having a small french fry though... that makes it basically good for me, right? ;) Some days it's the little things.

What can I say? I've been busy.

Busy sitting around on my butt at least. I've been "recovering" from my surgery. I was told I couldn't work out for 4 weeks and I've been taking that pretty seriously. At first, I was annoyed and didn't think I'd be able to handle it.... now I'm wondering how I'm going to start again! It's been pretty nice sleeping in :)

I went on a short treadmill walk over lunch the other day and I was surprised at how quickly my legs got tired. Hopefully my swim tomorrow goes a little better.

At least training will give me something to do until the holidays. Last year I was pretty Grinch-y and I'm going to try to be more positive this year. We shouldn't have any major disappointment between now and Christmas this year like we did last year around this time. I just can't help thinking that I should have been having my ER today or tomorrow (if my ute hadn't decided to be a little bitch).

As worried as I was that the timing of this cycle was too close to the disaster that was IVF #1 (even though #1 was the same or actually a little better than 2...), it would have been much better than waiting. I'm done with waiting. It's my turn to do something darn it! It seems like the next 2 months will feel even longer than the 6-ish months it took DH and I to figure out how to move forward. By the time I start BCP for our next cycle, it will be just shy of a year since our last attempt. That can't be great for someone with egg quality issues, can it? My eggs sucked last year...will they be even worse now?

I've been feeling quiet

Late last month/early this month DH and had finally come to an agreement on what we were going to do. I honestly don't feel all that comfortable sharing some of these decisions on my Blog because I'm not sure who (someone who knows us) might be reading it.

Anyway, we had decided that we were going to do something that involved IVF (maybe even something that might give us an embryo or two to transfer?) before the end of the year - that would mean starting at the end of this month.
Exciting - maybe what we're changing could do the trick?!?!
Terrifying - it would be just a few days different than our first IVF last year (terrible
horrible failure). Could I really handle another Christmas like that?

At our clinic they like to do an SHG if it's been a year or more. Given the results last year, I expected to go in, take my pants off, put my pants back on, and be merrily on my way.

Of course, life is rarely that easy. My ute, the one thing we thought we had going for us, has decided not to play nice. After two attempts at injecting saline and a couple people leaning all over my legs trying to get a closer view at the u/s screen, my optimism was fading. I have a fibroid - and not the kind I can have removed with a hysteroscopy and be on my merry way. It has to be removed via abdominal incision. And then we have to wait 3 months before we can try any treatments. And not having it removed isn't an option (unless we decide not to pursue a pregnancy).

So now, who knows what will happen. I have to schedule the procedure during the first half of my cycle and we're trying to decide if we want to risk it working out in Dec (if it doesn't we will have to wait until Jan or possibly Feb) or if we should get it over with in Nov. Plus, this gives us more time to change our minds. DH has recently become open to more of our options and that isn't making any of this easier.

Seriously, I spend 6 months trying to want what he does and then he goes and changes his mind. crap, crap, crap

In the mean time, I'm taking CoQ10 (haven't figured out how much...so if you have been taking it, how much have you been taking?) and I started DHEA the other day. I think this has raised my hopes too much but if I try it maybe I'll be able to move on when this doesn't work.

Back in my fat pants :(

I've pretty much always struggled with my weight and I've been on a "diet" or some sort since I was about 10 or so. The first year of college wasn't very kind to me but a crazy work schedule the summer after my freshman year helped me get down to about 140 lbs...one day I even saw 139 (I honestly dream about seeing that number on a scale again. I saw it once and it's now become the unattainable goal). I maintained that size for a couple years but gained again when DH and I were dating.

I lost that weight before our wedding - again a crazy work schedule (I worked 3rd shift) and a diet mt dew for "lunch" every night. After the wedding I gained again but I don't think I realized how quickly or how much I was gaining. I was very unhappy working night shift and didn't really fit in the position I had at work. I was stopping for a donut or two almost every morning on my way home from work and washing that down with a beer while I searched for a new job.

I did find a new job (day hours), we moved back to a town where we knew people, and I weighed myself. I topped out at about 164. Somehow I was able to lose that - probably more slowly than I remember it being. I was getting into running and my work schedule had me home about 4:30 or 5pm so we could get to the gym before it got busy and home again before it was too late. Plus, I think I was happy.

That job started getting pretty stressful and even though I'm a stress eater - I was too stressed to eat. I was also working out with a trainer for a bit around that time (to help me reduce my stress) and even though I wasn't particularly happy with life - I was pretty darn happy with my body. Never got down much past 142 but was pretty toned for me.

They cycle began again - found a new job, was happier, lost some of my muscle tone but my clothes still fit and the scale didn't move up too much. Then about a year after that I gained a little. Not lifting made me a little flabbier....we'd been trying for a baby for a few months and I started eating a little more....148 lbs. I said I'd never get back up above 150 so I joined weight watchers. Lost a few pounds.

I think I was at about 144 or 145 with clothes on at our 1st RE appt. 8 or 9 months later (when we started our first IVF) I was about 156 or 157 without clothes. Those 12 pounds really snuck up on me, I was running all last summer and knew my pants were getting a bit tight but I couldn't really stop or lose that weight.

Last fall I started tri training - 2 days of spinning for an hour and 2 days swimming for an hour. I tried to run on Friday but skipped once in awhile. Still couldn't lose but at least I wasn't gaining. Didn't gain over the winter, or in HI, or during our last IVF cycle. Even made it most of the way through the summer.... but now I've been teetering on the edge of 160 again. 159 some days, 161 others.

I'm still not sure how this happened. All I know is that I broke down today and got my fat pants out. The pants I used to be able to pull off without unbuttoning. The pants I packed away for when I was pregnant so I could put off buying maternity pants. And they fit. One pair is even a bit snug.

I really don't even know what to do. I've been working out and tracking my food. I'm eating healthier than I used to and I'm almost at my heaviest weight ever. I want to be in good shape when I get pregnant. I want 160 to be the number I see a few months in to the pregnancy or near the end. Not where I start. I want my smaller jeans and my cute shirts to fit. I'm sick of hiding my muffin top under my over sized race shirts.

too many choices does a crazy lady make

I've never been a decisive person. If a menu has too many things on it, I have trouble choosing my dinner. Obviously, this issue is magnified by 1000 for emotional issues.

DH recently decided he's come around to the idea of donor egg - yay! - but he put quite a few conditions on it. For example, we can only try it once and if it doesn't work we can't do any treatments until it's paid off. The last 3 months have been hell-ish... I honestly don't think I could handle a year or longer while we pay off that bill. Then there's the fact that he doesn't really want to go that direction and he feels like his opinion(s) were brushed aside on our other cycles.

Why can't I be more flexible with this? I really want to want what he wants (say that 3 times fast). I just can't get there and wonder if I ever will?

After another phone call with the RE, it really doesn't seem like DE is the direction we need to go right now. Certainly not the "logical" choice. Adoption isn't an option for DH right now, either.

I get mentally that a baby that is biologically related to both of us is not going to happen - I just can't accept it yet (don't want to accept it?). I'm so desperate to figure out a way to make it worth trying again, I'm worried I might not be able to let go.

When I talked to the RE the other day, I asked about doing a 3dt. Really - we haven't tried that yet, so it's an option we should pursue, right? ::insert eye roll:: I was 100% expecting him to say I was crazy and there was no point. That it wouldn't make a difference for a couple who has had 0 out of 10 embryos to transfer at day 5. But he didn't! He said it wouldn't hurt - it probably wouldn't help - but it wouldn't hurt.

Crap

Can you really justify $12,000 on that? Why couldn't I have asked this before our last IVF? Do I really think our embryos hate the clinic's lab that much? No.
Do I want to believe this will make all the difference? That the dream I had (over a year ago) about getting pregnant with a 3dt was a sign? Yes.
Am I certifiably BSC? YES.
Will making some sort of decision that sabotages the chance of a successful IVF cycle cause some serious, possibly permanent damage to my marriage? Probably.
Sigh.

But maybe this is all it would take? We can have our biological baby and live in a utopia of parenthood forever. Right?

The Switch

I will not be seeing this movie. In fact, the trailers make me want to throw myself out a window. I love Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston but I just won't do it. Won't, can't, not gonna happen.


Add to that the new iphone commercials and the over played Avoid the Stork PSA's and I make sure to keep the remote close by.

I think that means I've been gone too long

Looks like my blog template was broken and I need a new one.

Who doesn't love a good makeover?

MIA

I can hardly believe how long it's been since I've posted. For awhile I was trying to come up with something profound for my 100th post. That never happened. Instead I kind of took a break from blogging and even reading blogs.

There really isn't anything new. I think we're coming up on 3 months and from my standpoint we're no closer to resolution than we were... I might be angrier, more bitter, still sad.

My coworker that did IVF just as we were starting our first cycle is due next week. I sit right next to her and hear every conversation she has about how ready she is to be done being pregnant, what she's trying to get labor going, how she's going to ask for an induction date. It pretty much sucks.

I have another coworker and I think her ER will be next week. I so want this to work for her since she's older but then the jealousy comes into play. Why does she get to have another child at 40-something when we can't even have one (pitty party for one, please).

I've gone to acupuncture a few times and really like the acupuncturist but it's really just something to make it feel like I'm doing something even though we're not. I don't think it will really do what I want it to do (you know - I want it to give me super eggs so we can try IVF again). I'm going to have to back off on the frequency of my appts due to $$ - it's too bad because it's very relaxing.

On another note, I completed my first sprint tri over the weekend and I am insanely proud of myself. I didn't even come in last :P (not that I was speedy by any means). I've never been anything close to athletic. It was a lot of fun though and I'm looking forward to doing another - it's just too bad I can't convince myself that training is fun.

Negotiations

I think DH and I are making progress. We're no longer whispering "bend to my will" at each other in an attempt to get our way.

It still feels so strange to have to negotiate with your spouse about how you're going to approach trying to conceive your child. I want to try IVF one more time (my eggs and his sperm) with all the bells and whistles like acupuncture and wheat grass. That may provide the closure I need (I'm not crazy. I don't think it will work) - maybe even have some phone consults. DH won't agree to IVF again but if I request our records, I can call as many Drs as I'd like.

I want to try DE with his sperm if the hypothetical next IVF doesn't work. I've been vetoed due to financial considerations. However, it can be back on the table if ds doesn't work.

My last choice is to try IVF again with 1/2 ds. This is a really hard concession for me to make - I can't verbalize why. It's just a gut feeling that I'm trying to overcome. DH wants to try a few IUI's first. We'll see. The only thing I get out of this is that I want a "definitive" answer of how bad my eggs are before insurance open enrollment in the fall. That way we can change insurance if for some reason we could get more IF coverage and any money towards donor egg expenses.

There is currently a 2 year wait list for donor embryo at our clinic. This is the option that we're actually able to agree on. Neither of us want to wait that long right now.

Then there's adoption - I honestly can't figure out where this fits. Experiencing pregnancy, hearing my baby's heartbeat, seeing him/her on ultrasound, and feeling kicks are so important to me. There are just things I feel much more comfortable about with adoption. Plus, I just don't think anything else is going to work and I don't want to be in this place of decision making a year from now. The negotiations on this one have stalled. DH was willing to give up to a point - we can start looking into it but can't start putting any money towards it.

The only thing we've 100% agreed on is that we have to do something. We just need to figure out what that will be. Fast. Like yesterday. And I'll probably give in to DH for the pure fact that I don't want to go through another birthday or Mother's day the same way we have for the last two years.

Things would be so much easier if I just wanted what he wants.....or if I could bend him to my will. Let's not forget the money tree that I'm watching for in the backyard.

Thank God for good friends

I sometimes spend too much time thinking of all the ways IF has hurt some of my relationships - but I'm glad I'm not so far gone that I can't recognize some of my biggest supporters. I have two coworkers that I don't think I'd make it without.

Yesterday was a bad day - really bad. It started off with me looking at the IVF fee list from our clinic. (This is where all the OOP ladies are going to want to kill me for bitching) Even though we are out of covered IVF attempts and money for meds, I think we still have some coverage for monitoring. I did a little math thinking that I'd be able to justify trying just one more time. Then I looked at our savings account. Then I cried. A lot. At my desk. At work. I had an ugly, silent (I hope) meltdown about once an hour. All day.

I have no idea how we'll come up with money to pay for a partially covered cycle, much less a DE cycle or adoption. Someday maybe. But seeing that number scared me. For the first time I really it really hit me that it's possible this might never happen for us. Maybe that's not quite true - but it was the first time I felt it was due to a financial reason (See, I warned you . And no, you really don't have to feel sorry for the whiny girl who had IF coverage.)

Anyway, back to my original point.... My coworker, the one pregnant from her 1st IVF (does that actually happen?!?!), must have asked me a question about something and I lost it. Again. At work. Yes, I'm 29 and know I should be ashamed.

She decided we should get out of the office for a few minutes and go for a walk. I love that she cares enough to try to help - and it does help to have someone to talk to that can understand some parts of this. It's especially great that she can admit she can't fully understand. She asked some good questions and tried to pry some pros and cons of our different options out of me. These just aren't decisions I can do that with. Yes, there are pros and cons of each option but what about the emotional component? There is no logical reason for me to want to try an IVF cycle again. I don't actually think it will work - and I'm pretty darn sure DrC doesn't think it will either. Why do other options make me feel ok and some creep me out a bit.

There is no logical reason for me to break down whenever I try to discuss my thoughts with my husband. I'm pretty sure his idea of a sexy wife isn't the whimpering mess on the couch sobbing about how it's unfair and how I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. Needless to say, that conversation didn't go very far.

Things that came out of my mess of a day yesterday:

• I called my insurance company today to get clarification on what donor related things were covered - too bad they couldn't help me.
  

• I made an appointment with the therapist again - even though I don't want to part with the $$ right now AND Dh offered to come with me if I wanted. That has NEVER happened. I didn't take him up on it this time but he can be sure I'll collect.

• I think that by the end of the week I might be able to call the RE for some clarification on our options. Hopefully, I won't completely choke and end up having to cut the call short. Maybe there is some testing we can do to narrow things down before we start"experimenting" or he'll have some ideas of things I can do to help egg quality (I know I could Google, but honestly I spent the last year learning about sperm - I'm beyond done with internet research).

• I think I only cried 2 or 3 times today...
  

Not what I was expecting

Today's appointment was surprising to say the least. The ET being cancelled wasn't even the big shocker.

Turns out I've got shitty eggs to go with the shitty sperm. I guess the day 3 quality we've had isn't what they'd expect out of a 29 year old (and I've only been 29 for less than 3 weeks...). I guess in the first cycle the egg issue was masked by our other problem. I'm not really sure what we'll do next. The RE said it isn't absolute - that there are break cycle pregnancies sometimes when a sperm catches a good egg. Unfortunately, with the severe MF that isn't possible. We could try DIUI to see if it is really a severe egg quality issue. We could also try DE with 1/2 DS to see if good eggs could over come the MF issue.

My choice would be to see if there was anything I could do to improve my egg quality and try again (maybe a 3 day transfer would help?). That will be a tough sell to DH because we would be out of pocket this time and the odds would be so low. My next choice would be the DE option, hoping that different eggs would make all the difference - this is even more out there financially.

When I get to the point that I can talk to the RE about some of the questions I have, I'll have to give him a call. I have a ton of them - just couldn't come up with any of them this morning.

Four

That's how many of the 8 eggs fertilized. Five fewer eggs than last cycle - four fewer mature eggs. Four embryos that are being watched until our transfer day. It's also 2 fewer embryos than we had at this point last cycle. 2 fewer chances that we might not be cancelled again.

I've read all the personal stories from ladies who had only 1 or 2 embryos at the time of their fert report and they have 1 or 2 little babies to show for it. I try to tell myself that if it's possible for them, it's possible for us. And then I remember Dr Y taking us to his office in Dec - when we should have been going to change for our transfer. I remember how sad and defeated my husband looked when he told us our embryos had all arrested around day 4.

The fear of that happening again has my heart racing.

When the nurse called with the fert report, I asked if there was any way of knowing if there would be embryos before we got to the clinic. The short answer is 'no'. They check the embryos on day 3, but not communicate with patients. Then they don't check the embryos again until we're in the office for the transfer. So, I guess that means they won't know until we get there, either. Not that it makes me feel any better.

I briefly considered calling on Monday morning to get an update - but do I really want to know? Would that just make me more stressed out to know that I only have one or two embryos that are still chugging along normally? Probably not. That just means I have to wait until Tuesday and keep telling my little foursome to keep growing.

So now that I've calmed down

I've had a chance to step back and relax a tiny bit. The RE called me this morning and said our scheduling issue shouldn't negatively impact our cycle. I'm trying to believe him but I wonder if he's just doing his reassuring thing.

I still don't like DH's Dr. I had forgotten how much he bugs me until we talked to him this morning. I can't put my finger on what it is.... but I don't like him. I hope we never have to talk to him again.

So really, we have Dr with good bedside manner and Dr that must have completely forgotten that his patients and their families have feelings....

Anyway, I trigger tonight and keep my fingers crossed until Thursday. Then I hope and pray harder than I've ever prayed before that we have some embryos left on transfer day and that one or two of them stick around. How the heck am I supposed to function at work for the next week?!?!

I don't handle change well

I was supposed to trigger tonight, DH's procedure tomorrow, ER on Wed. Well righty decided to be lazy - so trigger tomorrow. No big deal, right? Well, the one Dr is being a bit of an asswipe. So his procedure is tomorrow and ER on Thurs most likely. Why this time for scheduling issues?

If we have issues because of this, I'm going to flip a lid. It's not like we can just do this over and over again until it works. At this point, I wonder if it would be better to cancel so we can get everything timed like it's supposed to be. $#@!#@$! This has to work.

One more thing I never imagined doing

Last night DH and I went to see a musical put on by a college nearby. I was really excited to see it because it was a musical I was part of in High School. Plus, we never do anything on Friday night - so yay for us getting out of the house :P

Anyway, this brought up the issue of when to do my injections. I'm supposed to do the injections around the same time each night - I've picked 8:30 because I'm home and I go to bed pretty early. The problem is that the musical didn't start until 7:30 and wouldn't be over until about 10:30.

What else could I do besides pack up the meds and take them with? The original plan had been to pick a bathroom stall during intermission and be covert. That would have been great, but I got kind of creeped out thinking I might drop something on the floor - and I felt bad because there was a big long line.

"Luckily" there was a little chair and a counter that I could use... too bad it was opposite a mirror and everyone in line walked past me. So yes, if you walked past a woman with a syringe and 1.5" needle and a bunch of vials last night, that was me. And in case it was scary, I got to switch the needle out for one that was 0.5". The big shots won't start until later this week.

Oh, and just for the record. All this IF stuff is a freaking pain in the ass and inconvenience. I am sick of missing work and planning my life around Drs appointments and injections. I can't even go for a jog when I want to because I'm supposed to keep my activity to a brisk walk. I can't figure why it seems so much worse this time around.

So much for not getting my hopes up....

I have the same protocol and our chances of this next IVF working aren't great (yea, that's putting it optimistically). I know all this but today found out the clinic is switching my trigger and suddenly I've decided that's the magic change that's going to fix all our problems and make this work.

I don't even know why they are switching me to pregnyl from ovidrel this cycle (any ideas?) ... but for some reason it's increased my expectations. Someone please help me contain the crazy :) I'll be interested to see what the nurse says when I ask about the reason for the change!

I'm on vacation :)

I paid $4 to be able to connect to the wireless internet (the code works for the day, so not too bad)
It looks like it could start raining any second (scratch that. It's starting to sprinkle). And it's getting kind of chilly - guess I'm not going to work on my tan today...
I got blisters on both of my pinky toes yesterday on our walk along the beach (Our first full day here, really? I couldn't possibly trade in my sandals for the shoes I brought!)
I only have fleeting thoughts of work - I think a couple more days will cure me of that!

Color me happy :)

DH is done with his stuff today, so we're going to pack up and check into our "home base" on Kauai for the weekend. There is WAY too much for us to see before we move on to the Big Island. I think we'll have to come back sometime ;)

One year ago today

We got our diagnosis. Sometimes I think it hurts less but I think it is just different. It seems like whenever I think I'm dealing something new happens and it I feel the hurt all over again - almost like that day again.

One year of uncertainty,hope, and heartbreak. And we're getting ready to start the cycle all over again. Even though in my head I know this probably won't work, the hope is creeping back in. I hope that we're surprised and March 9, 2011 we're holding our very own proof that miracles happen.

Aloha!

I am getting excited because in a short time I will be on vacation in paradise. I cannot freaking wait. Work is sucky and I'm annoyed there all the time and I need to get away from everything. Why do I think I'll need a vacation from getting ready to go on vacation? I did a little packing tonight but will have to wait until tomorrow to finish up.

I'm close to the reaching day 10 of 30DS - I lost count because of my work trip an
d being lazy some. I will probably need to repeat quite a few days after we get back from vacation. Level 1 is still a little tough for me and Level 2 kicked my butt the last time I tried it.

AmandaMqn ( Hope is Ours )nominated me for the lovely Happy101 Award

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award as well. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

So my happy things are :
1) My beautiful 4 legged baby girl. It always makes me happy to see her so excited when I get home.
2 ) My two cats. Even though they like DH better, I still get some snuggles once in awhile.
3) VACATION!
4) My husband - he can take so many situations and say something to lighten the mood. I just wish I could do that for him.
5) We're celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this year. :)
6) My friends at work. I am lucky to have a couple girls to vent to, no matter how petty or annoying I am being.
7) My parents. Even if we don't get along all the time :)
8) Sunny days (and when it's light out before I get up in the morning and still light after I get home from work)
9) The first flowers in the spring.
10) How I Met Your Mother and The Office among other mindless TV - sometimes cuddling on the couch after work is just what you need!

I have to get to bed but I am going to REALLY try to finish this up tomorrow night.

30 Day Shred Level 1 Day 2

I guess I must really not want to clean. This is the first time in about 2 years that I've managed to do more than one day of the shred :) AND I opened a can of paint dated 9/08 and got a base coat down on one wall of the basement! Only a few more to go (it's not a rectangular room so there are more than 4 walls).

It really wasn't too bad of an evening. I just have to wonder why I can't get off my butt when DH is around.

Just haven't had much to say

There hasn't been much going on lately. Work is nuts and it's stressing me out (which for some reason makes me want to Internet shop....leaving me no time for blogging).

DH left for his work trip this morning so it's been kind of a long day. At least I can say it's been somewhat productive. I got in 30 min on the treadmill and did started the 30 day shred (again! I'm really going to get to level 2 this time, I swear). This leaves me about 2 weeks to lose the 20 lbs I've been talking about losing since last April(?). Riiiiight. I'm going to settle for being able to squeeze into my shorts and swim suit.

I even worked in a trip to the mall since the snow storm got pushed back a couple hours. Any recs for a nice, flattering pair of running capris? Pretty soon it's going to be too warm for pants but still too cool for shorts...
I bought a pair of Under Armour Heat Gear, but I'm not 100% sure I'll have the guts to wear them out of the house. They make me feel very naked and I'm what you would call "curvy" - if I was having a skinny day and you were feeling nice. It's hard to imagine anyone not being traumatized by looking at my jiggling ass and thighs as I run.

While I was wandering around trying to find more stuff that I don't really need, I had the pleasure of running into my RE and his family. (Here "running into" really means I looked up and saw him from 15 feet away and felt the need to hide. I am pretty sure that he wouldn't be able to pick me out of a line up.) For whatever reason that was just the motivation I needed to head home. Or that combined with the fact that spending Sunday morning at the mall is the place to be if you're pregnant or have children - or are pregnant and have children. I have to say, I felt a little out of place being solo.

I guess it's a good think the next few weeks will be busy. Less time to be left alone to my own devices :D Plus, I start BC next cycle! Normally I wouldn't want to have my period during my super cool beach/hiking vacation, but this time I'll take it! I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. It seems like we have such slim odds of getting any embryos to transfer and if we do, I just can't picture having enough luck that one would stick. Hopes a bitch!

I've been a very bad blogger

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, I just haven't taken the time to blog (even worse, I haven't commented on anyone else's blog). I keep telling myself that "tomorrow" I will have more time.... sad, because I really do nothing besides watch TV all night.

Tonight I figured I might as well get things out. We will be cycling again in a few months (I am scared shitless by the way). I honestly can't picture this working. How can you really go from no embryos to a baby? DH and I haven't worked out the all of the little details yet - but I haven't changed my mind. Maybe I should check in with him to see if he's changed his.....

I think we've even been able to iron out the timeline for IVF #2. Things were a little up in the air because of his work trip and because I'm going to go visit when he's done working. Super awesome vacation here we come!! Of course this leads to another question - where do we come up with the cash for the next cycle once our vacation is over? I hate pulling money from savings - that is supposed to be for nursery and maternity leave. BUT - what I hate even more is everything we've put on hold or not done since we've been trying (this month makes it 2 years/ 28 cycles). So, yea, we're taking the vacation. The timing looks like I should be starting BC while we're in paradise.

What else is there.... I'm still training and trying to eat better, but not losing weight :( I'm doing a mini indoor triathlon in a couple weeks. My goal is to not be last - I'm really setting the bar high, aren't I? I am slightly worried about balancing enough exercise without it being too much and affecting the IVF cycle.

I almost forgot - I had my annual a couple weeks ago. That will be a good story for my next post. A little teaser for you - last year my ob/gyn told me that if we were patient and kept trying she was confident we'd get pregnant on our own. If only....

Happy New Year!

I hope 2010 brings everyone health, wealth, and happiness!