Negotiations

I think DH and I are making progress. We're no longer whispering "bend to my will" at each other in an attempt to get our way.

It still feels so strange to have to negotiate with your spouse about how you're going to approach trying to conceive your child. I want to try IVF one more time (my eggs and his sperm) with all the bells and whistles like acupuncture and wheat grass. That may provide the closure I need (I'm not crazy. I don't think it will work) - maybe even have some phone consults. DH won't agree to IVF again but if I request our records, I can call as many Drs as I'd like.

I want to try DE with his sperm if the hypothetical next IVF doesn't work. I've been vetoed due to financial considerations. However, it can be back on the table if ds doesn't work.

My last choice is to try IVF again with 1/2 ds. This is a really hard concession for me to make - I can't verbalize why. It's just a gut feeling that I'm trying to overcome. DH wants to try a few IUI's first. We'll see. The only thing I get out of this is that I want a "definitive" answer of how bad my eggs are before insurance open enrollment in the fall. That way we can change insurance if for some reason we could get more IF coverage and any money towards donor egg expenses.

There is currently a 2 year wait list for donor embryo at our clinic. This is the option that we're actually able to agree on. Neither of us want to wait that long right now.

Then there's adoption - I honestly can't figure out where this fits. Experiencing pregnancy, hearing my baby's heartbeat, seeing him/her on ultrasound, and feeling kicks are so important to me. There are just things I feel much more comfortable about with adoption. Plus, I just don't think anything else is going to work and I don't want to be in this place of decision making a year from now. The negotiations on this one have stalled. DH was willing to give up to a point - we can start looking into it but can't start putting any money towards it.

The only thing we've 100% agreed on is that we have to do something. We just need to figure out what that will be. Fast. Like yesterday. And I'll probably give in to DH for the pure fact that I don't want to go through another birthday or Mother's day the same way we have for the last two years.

Things would be so much easier if I just wanted what he wants.....or if I could bend him to my will. Let's not forget the money tree that I'm watching for in the backyard.

Thank God for good friends

I sometimes spend too much time thinking of all the ways IF has hurt some of my relationships - but I'm glad I'm not so far gone that I can't recognize some of my biggest supporters. I have two coworkers that I don't think I'd make it without.

Yesterday was a bad day - really bad. It started off with me looking at the IVF fee list from our clinic. (This is where all the OOP ladies are going to want to kill me for bitching) Even though we are out of covered IVF attempts and money for meds, I think we still have some coverage for monitoring. I did a little math thinking that I'd be able to justify trying just one more time. Then I looked at our savings account. Then I cried. A lot. At my desk. At work. I had an ugly, silent (I hope) meltdown about once an hour. All day.

I have no idea how we'll come up with money to pay for a partially covered cycle, much less a DE cycle or adoption. Someday maybe. But seeing that number scared me. For the first time I really it really hit me that it's possible this might never happen for us. Maybe that's not quite true - but it was the first time I felt it was due to a financial reason (See, I warned you . And no, you really don't have to feel sorry for the whiny girl who had IF coverage.)

Anyway, back to my original point.... My coworker, the one pregnant from her 1st IVF (does that actually happen?!?!), must have asked me a question about something and I lost it. Again. At work. Yes, I'm 29 and know I should be ashamed.

She decided we should get out of the office for a few minutes and go for a walk. I love that she cares enough to try to help - and it does help to have someone to talk to that can understand some parts of this. It's especially great that she can admit she can't fully understand. She asked some good questions and tried to pry some pros and cons of our different options out of me. These just aren't decisions I can do that with. Yes, there are pros and cons of each option but what about the emotional component? There is no logical reason for me to want to try an IVF cycle again. I don't actually think it will work - and I'm pretty darn sure DrC doesn't think it will either. Why do other options make me feel ok and some creep me out a bit.

There is no logical reason for me to break down whenever I try to discuss my thoughts with my husband. I'm pretty sure his idea of a sexy wife isn't the whimpering mess on the couch sobbing about how it's unfair and how I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. Needless to say, that conversation didn't go very far.

Things that came out of my mess of a day yesterday:

• I called my insurance company today to get clarification on what donor related things were covered - too bad they couldn't help me.
  

• I made an appointment with the therapist again - even though I don't want to part with the $$ right now AND Dh offered to come with me if I wanted. That has NEVER happened. I didn't take him up on it this time but he can be sure I'll collect.

• I think that by the end of the week I might be able to call the RE for some clarification on our options. Hopefully, I won't completely choke and end up having to cut the call short. Maybe there is some testing we can do to narrow things down before we start"experimenting" or he'll have some ideas of things I can do to help egg quality (I know I could Google, but honestly I spent the last year learning about sperm - I'm beyond done with internet research).

• I think I only cried 2 or 3 times today...