So sick of waiting!

7 weeks! We couldn't get a follow-up/consult for 7 freaking weeks. What will we get then? Probably another 10 minute appointment where I blank on all the questions I have.

How much longer will we have to wait to schedule the procedure after that? Will it be another 7 weeks? Longer, because it's more than a 10 minute sit down?

I know (and hope I will) use this time to lose the weight I've gained since the dx. I should get myself into tip top shape so that we can (hopefully) have a successful IVF cycle. It is just so hard to believe that we have to wait even longer to find out if we can even try.

This extra time could be a good thing. We could spend the next few months discussing plan B and making sure we're on the same page. I just don't know if we'll do that. Are these decisions we can really make before we know?

Quick update

We met with the RE today even though we probably didn't need to. It was basically a repeat of what he said in the last phone message.

I am happy that they aren't going to require us to do a fresh IVF cycle - I'm just not ready to deal with the donor issue, yet. Besides, DH and I aren't agreed on plan B.
Mostly, the appointment was a chance to hear everything in person. We asked about a urologist recommendation and he still said the one we were seeing would be best in our area, he may have even said the state (unless we want to go to NY - I've read about that program ( it's the best) but they don't accept insurance and we'd have to be out there for a full IVF cycle.) I don't know who we'll end up going with - but we both agree we want to do it soon.

Other than that we came home with a lot of information on IVF, MFI, DS, and adoption. I forgot to ask about a counseling recommendation, but I'll have to call to schedule a prolactin recheck soon and can ask then.

So now we wait - again.

Why do good people have to say stupid things?

When someone who isn't a friend says something you don't want to hear, you can be angry, disgruntled, bitter, etc and carry on about it for as long as you'd like. It's a completely different story when it's a friend and you can't justify any of those feelings. That's why I'm really wishing this conversation Sat night had been with someone I either didn't know well or didn't like.

Guilty party: glowing parents of 4 month old
Place: Wedding - should be happy, joyous occasion
Time: Dinner
Comment: So you guys are next, right?
Response: Mumbles something about probably not being next.
Comment: Well, you're the only ones left.
Response: (stares at table eventually comes up with something) T&K just got married, so we're not the only ones anymore.
Comment: Don't you want one of these (holds up adorable little girl)
Response: no clue- managed to get something out of my mouth and stared at my plate for awhile. May have said something about getting new siding and not having money for kids.

Really - it's a forgivable offense and I probably wouldn't still be thinking about it except for the " you're the only ones left" comment. That hit a little too close to home since DH did that math after the pregnancy announcement last week. I think there may have been a few blissful seconds before I realized it was true.

So, yes, we are the last of our married friends to have children (other than the newlyweds- however, about 6 months ago T suggested K and I get pregnant at the same time, I don't think they're waiting too long). That leaves single, anti-children, male friend and another couple who will be married in Dec.

It's a good thing I have my furbabies!

Oh yea - and apparently there is nothing wrong with my car (losing power is now normal?). At least they didn't charge me for that gem.

Stuck!

This blog title makes me feel like I should blog about how I feel like I'm stuck in quick sand dealing with all of this or about how I was stuck at a group dinner with a newly pregnant (and glowing) couple. This is all true, but I'm going with the literal meaning. On Tuesday afternoon, I got stuck. In my car. In the garage of my house.

My car has some electrical quirks that the dealership has never noticed/been able to figure out. It's lost power in the past as I'm turning it off and after a couple seconds of panicking, I realize I can pull the lock button up and everything is ok (it usually starts again the next time I want to go somewhere). Tuesday, it must have happened while the door was unlocking, because I couldn't pull the button up! After a few minutes, I tried starting the car again (nothing - no clicking/cranking/sputtering), and was able to release the lock button while turning the key back and forth in the ignition. Today the car is at the dealership and they think it may be something with the alternator.

Lesson: something expensive always happens when you finally get your car paid off!

Oh- and we're meeting with the RE in a week! I'm excited that we're closer to being able to do something, but I'm terrified of hearing what he has to say...I imagine it sucking more in person than through a voicemail.

Voicemail from Dr1

Just a quick update, because really all the info we have is from the voicemail he left.
So here it goes:

• genetic testing is in and all ok :-) (we knew that)
  
• we can go straight to the donor gamete option
  
• 50% chance of finding what we need for an IVF cycle is probably "overly optimistic" (I guess it's good that we're not getting our hopes up? Except that, they're up... way, way up)
• we can do a "concombinent"(?) IVF cycle and risk not finding anything - they'd want a donor backup available
  
• it is not "unreasonable", with the information we have now, to meet with Dr1 to discuss the details and more of what is involved
• go back to Dr 2 for biopsy before attempting IVF (this might give us an indication or our chances of being able to complete the cycle)
  

So we are going to schedule an appointment. I'm still praying that we at least have all of the ingredients to attempt IVF. AND I have my hopes up and am praying that we make the right decision. We're still undecided about what we'll do if we can't complete an IVF cycle. It's that step where I worry that we won't make the right decision. Whatever right means these days.

If it's not bad news, can it count as good news?

According to the nurse, the genetic testing came back all normal! I don't know that it really gives us better chances, but it does make things a little less complicated.

Our Dr is apparently out of town at a conference, but we'll get to set up a meeting with him and Dr 2 to discuss our options (please, please, please be something good). IVF seems like it might be just a little bit closer to reality. I know that nothing has really changed, but for tonight I'm daring to be hopeful again.

Blech

I think the title of this post pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the last couple of days. I should be feeling happy and refreshed because the weekend was actually sunny for the first time in forever. And it was warm! 70 degrees!

I'm guessing that a lot of it is due to my coworker having her baby on Friday. Well, that and our trip into Baby Gap to get her little on a gift on Saturday. (probably a dumb choice on my part) Now that she is on maternity leave I think there might be a short break in all of the baby/pregnancy talk at work - or at least less of it near where I'm sitting. I just have to hold it together whenever we go to visit her.

All of the talk about babies did do one thing - it got me to ask DH when he was going to call for his genetic test results (not posted to the insurance yet - so the blood sample better have been submitted!!!). The results should have been in about 3 or 4 weeks ago and his other test results have been ready for 2 weeks. I tried not to pressure him, and just asked when he was going to call (there really is never a good time for shitty news - so if he had wanted to wait until after the weekend that would have been fine with me).

Well, he called on Thurs and since he was in some training he decided to let the call go to voicemail and wait to listen to it until we got home. Well, it was nurse saying he should call the office back before 5 - and it was 5:15. DH proceeded to have what I would describe as a temper tantrum about how he never gets to talk to anyone at our RE's office. He went on about how they should hire someone to answer phones full time and that he wasn't going to call them again, since he would just have to leave a message. It led to a pretty great night around our house. Friday afternoon he called back, but we didn't hear anything.

Sat he was still in a funk, but I managed to get him to talk about things for a few minutes over lunch. It was good to get some things out in the open. He said we could start the adoption process after our next appointment - that surprised me. Up until now, when we have talked about it, he has always talked about going the donor route. I guess his aversion to adoption is anger based. It pisses him off that we would have to go through the background checks, home studies, and cost associated with adoption when other people can just have sex and have a baby. There is also the uncertainty about how long the wait could be, before we might get chosen and then the possibility of the birth mother changing her mind.

I don't think I was ready to hear that - mostly I just wanted him to say that we could move more quickly to determine if there are any treatments available. I haven't even figured out what my thoughts are on the adoption vs donor issue. I can see pros and cons of both. Getting to experience pregnancy is a definite pro to donor - but adoption being the more 'normal' route is a pro on that side.... Either way, what I really wanted to hear is that no matter what Dr 2 says at our follow up, that we'd go the IVF route until we find out that isn't an option. I also told him that if I didn't like what Dr 2 has to say, we'll be getting a second opinion from a Dr at the University hospital a couple hours away. I just can't give up on "our" baby until I know it isn't an option. I'm afraid I'm setting us up for a huge disappointment just by continuing to hope.

Anyway, I've spent most of the weekend trying not to think about it (that really doesn't work) and hoping that we have good news since it was the nurse who left DH the message and not Dr 1. Or maybe she just called to say that we need to schedule an appt with Dr 2 to get the results?

If it's going to be bad it doesn't really matter if we hear it this week or next week. Maybe we can speed things up and just get it all out of the way this month, so we can start healing and moving on - like a band-aid.