3 years and why I don't look forward to the New Year

I realize the New Year is almost a full month in now and I never did one of those posts looking back on 2010 or a post on how I'm looking forward to 2011.

For the last few years, it's been hard to get excited for January and for the New Year because it's another year we've been trying to have a baby. There is no happy excitement about what might happen this year because I can't even imagine this year being much different from the last two. Instead of being excited for the future, I'm wondering what new setback we'll have next. (Have I mentioned that I'm convinced my ute healed funky and we won't be able to try for a pregnancy again?)

We first started trying in Jan of 2008. I remember in Feb or March not understanding why it hadn't happened yet. We'd waited so that we'd be in a good place if it did. I'd started charting as soon as I went off the pill. We were ready - so where was the darn baby already?!?!

And now it's been 3 flipping years. Next month will be 2 years from our first visit with the RE. March will be 2 years from our first dx. In almost 2 years time, we've done 2 IVFs, DH has had 2 surgeries, and I've had one. There has been no baby. There has not even been a chance at a baby unless you count those 10 embryos that should have made a baby but weren't strong enough to even make it into my uterus.

How did we get to this point? How has it been 2 years and we're ultimately in the same place we were to start with? Why can't we just get this sh$t over with, so we can know what will or won't work and move on?

While I'm at it - why won't that stupid adoption agency be more supportive of pursuing adoption and IF treatments at the same time? I hate that we can't do both and just see what works first.

All about numbers

1 : number of lunch invitations we (DH and I) declined because we were afraid it would include a pregnancy announcement

2 : Facebook pregnancy announcements in two days

14 : weeks along of first announcement

4: approx weeks along of second (just took pregnancy test - replied to first announcement that she hoped she was pregnant, too. It was just too soon to know. *squee*)
Oh and who the hell says "Welcome to the Breeding Club". WTF?!?

2.5 : hours elapsed between taking pregnancy and announcing it to the FB world

40 : cycles that have come and gone since H and I started TTC

8 : weeks until I can start BCP for our next IVF

99 : % chance that DH's work is going to some how make us push our IVF back some more

45 : the number of minutes I spent driving to/from and waiting for the Dr today, just to be told I should wait a couple more weeks to see if my lymph node gets back to normal

13: days of Z-pak I took before calling said Dr because lymph node is still enlarged (per instructions from other Dr)

20: dollars I now owe the Dr for the most useless appt ever

2000 : amount I will be paying the mechanic when my car gets all fixed up this weekend

Really?

About a week ago I noticed a swollen/lumpy area on my throat. The sore throat I had at the same time mostly went away over the weekend but it's still a little hard to swallow when I'm eating. I decided to make an appointment for it tomorrow since I was off work but the Drs office was booked today, tomorrow, and Friday. While I was perfectly ok waiting until Monday, the person in scheduling suggested I see one of the Drs working urgent care today instead of trying to schedule something for next week.

I went, I sat, I waited...and waited. Why is it that the waiting is always so much longer than the time you spend with the Dr? Anyway, it turns out I have a swollen lymph node (suck it, R - I wasn't imagining things even if you couldn't feel it). Apparently, this is probably caused by an infection somewhere - most likely a skin infection. Then the nice Dr commented on the ugly breakout I have and noticed that the acne issue is worse on the side with the swollen lymph node.

Awesome.

So, let's see...I'm 29 and have skin so bad that it's caused an infection. Really?!? Hopefully, the antibiotics will clear up the skin issue. I've been considering taking something for my skin again since it's been so bad, I just figured I should wait so I don't wonder if it somehow impacted my egg quality.

That thought actually leads me to wonder - will there ever be a day when I don't wonder if every.little.thing will have some impact on my fertility? I'd like to think so but there is a distinct possibility that I'm so crazy I'll still be analyzing things when I'm 50 wondering "what if". I hope not.

I'm considering it a positive thing that for the first time in 3 years (41 cycles), I didn't know what cycle day it was and couldn't remember the day my last period started. Does that count as progress? Have I come to terms with what our options really are or is it just that I've completely given up?

Something for me to ponder... while I'm pondering how well alcohol goes with my Zpak :)

Why Exercise and Alcohol don't mix

The feeling you have at 6am from 2 or 3 (ok...maybe more like 4) glasses of wine is much different than how you feel at 4:30 am. Plus, I HAVE to go to work. I did not have to go to spin.

In the last 6-ish weeks, I think I've worked out 3 times....I need to get back into my routine!

I'll take my Holiday Cheer from the bottle

I'll admit my Grinch like tendencies have been surfacing. I don't know if it's all picture Christmas cards (that have been going straight to the trash...not too proud of that) or what. The past two years I've been mostly able to handle the cards.

Last year, we only displayed the close friends/ those whose kids were "planned". Hows that for bitchy. This year we look at them and they're out long enough for whoever didn't open the card to see them. Then they go to the garbage. One card through me into an ugly meltdown since that's how I found out the gender of their new baby on the way. That reaction didn't make me feel all that proud, either.

So my cheer this year will be provided by a nice little buzz courtesy of the liquor department or the new Trader Joes. I should have a great time sampling my way through the 3 buck chuck and beer varieties. So yea, until the new year I'll be allowing myself plenty to drink and I'll save that part of my healthy attitude until after.

Maybe once I stop drinking as much, I'll be able to get up early for my workouts again, too :P

Four weeks of doing nothing is apparently too long (not that I didn't enjoy it ;) ) I went back to spin this morning and it was rough. It was insanely hard to get up this morning...so cold and dark. Class wasn't much better. It seems like I've lost quite a bit of strength/endurance during my break. I just hope it comes back to me.

I only felt some little twinges around my incision and avoiding aero position seemed to help. Tomorrow I hope to get up early enough that I'm the first one to the pool. I'd like to avoid showcasing my weird stomach bulge. I notice it through my jeans so I haven't been looking forward to wearing a swimming suit.

When I called to ask how long the weirdness (I have lots of fun names for the bulge...my favorite is DH's "stomach dimple". It almost sounds cute!) would last, the nurse said she'd had a c-section late this summer and still had hers. Not what I wanted to hear. Plus, I think mine should go away more quickly because I didn't get the take home prize :P

Oh yea - one year ago tomorrow we went in for our first (cancelled) transfer. I remember how cheerful and optimistic we were while we killed some time with an IHOP breakfast. I'm not sure you can get that kind of naive optimism back but it would be nice if you could. For now I'll just sulk about how we should be getting ready for a possible transfer this week but my stupid ute had to ruin it. To make myself feel better - prepare to be jealous- I'm having a bacon-cheese Angus burger for dinner. I'm only having a small french fry though... that makes it basically good for me, right? ;) Some days it's the little things.

What can I say? I've been busy.

Busy sitting around on my butt at least. I've been "recovering" from my surgery. I was told I couldn't work out for 4 weeks and I've been taking that pretty seriously. At first, I was annoyed and didn't think I'd be able to handle it.... now I'm wondering how I'm going to start again! It's been pretty nice sleeping in :)

I went on a short treadmill walk over lunch the other day and I was surprised at how quickly my legs got tired. Hopefully my swim tomorrow goes a little better.

At least training will give me something to do until the holidays. Last year I was pretty Grinch-y and I'm going to try to be more positive this year. We shouldn't have any major disappointment between now and Christmas this year like we did last year around this time. I just can't help thinking that I should have been having my ER today or tomorrow (if my ute hadn't decided to be a little bitch).

As worried as I was that the timing of this cycle was too close to the disaster that was IVF #1 (even though #1 was the same or actually a little better than 2...), it would have been much better than waiting. I'm done with waiting. It's my turn to do something darn it! It seems like the next 2 months will feel even longer than the 6-ish months it took DH and I to figure out how to move forward. By the time I start BCP for our next cycle, it will be just shy of a year since our last attempt. That can't be great for someone with egg quality issues, can it? My eggs sucked last year...will they be even worse now?