Wow, it's been quite awhile since I've blogged - perhaps because I've been a lazy piece of crap? ;-)
In my defense I would like to say that I sprained my ankle and that's forced me to be inactive for the last month. I'm looking forward to being able to start jogging again in a few weeks!
In Oct I ran my first half marathon! I am pretty excited by my results - I finished!! :-D my time was 2hr 50 min, and I'm ok with that (I wonder what kind of time I can get next year if I train really hard).
I've been wondering if I should blog a little more, just to get my feelings out. There are a few blogs that I follow and I am amazed by the strength and comfort I get from reading the posts. It helps me to feel less alone, since there are few people I can talk about TTC with IRL (not that the internet or this blog are completely anonymous! yikes).
At the end of Nov. we found out that some friends are expecting, they are great parents and I am excited to see them with this new addition to the family (with the crappy sorry for myself feeling). Can't say I handled the news well.. we were at a party and I said to myself ' hey - we don't have any of these crazy responsibilities...may as well drink it up'. And I did. And the next day was pretty darn sh***y!
A couple weeks later we found out that another set of friends were expecting - this is an 'oops' for them. Handled this pretty well, but mostly just because it hurt DH pretty badly and I felt like this time I needed to be there to support him. It is an unsettling change in roles, because I hate to see him hurting. Of course the fact that my LP decided to jump from the normal 12/13 days to 16 didn't help. Talk about getting our hopes up!
I've felt disappointed that we haven't had luck yet and I've felt sad that it isn't us. Guilty because I've felt all of these feelings when there are people who have been trying even longer or with dx that give them little chance of conceiving on their own. But this last announcement was the first time that I felt ANGRY! That was hard because it was accompanied by the guilt. But I was angry because even though they wanted to have children 'someday' - they didn't want them now- especially before their wedding. I guess they had a feeling we'd been trying and said she felt guilty that it happened so easily for them. Hmmmm - there's the guilt again. She said she cried for a couple days when she found out because she wasn't ready and this wasn't the time.
Why is it so easy for some? This was a time I didn't cry. Couldn't because I wanted to be the calm one. There were a couple tears when she asked when we were going to have kids. She thought it seemed like we would be good parents - that we were good with kids and liked them. That it would be nice for her to have someone to go through pregnancy with. Then I cried. Because she is going to have what I want. Because I feel that I can't be the kind of friend I want to be in this situation.
Next month we'll have been trying for a year and we'll have to make the decision about what we want to do. DH wants to find out if there is something wrong, and so do I - but I don't want to make the call because I'm afraid of what we'll find out. My Ob/gyn is of the opinion that since I am young and healthy and have a regular cycle we should be good to go - with time, if we're patient. She said I could call in Jan for testing if I wasn't pregnant yet. Six lousy weeks difference. I was a little annoyed after that appointment.
But since then the fear has set in, so I think we'll wait until Feb. My mom keeps telling me about the relax method *rolls eyes*, but we are going on vacation when I should be Oing, so maybe just maybe we can have a vacation baby. If not I'll call the RE.
{eight year well child}
8 years ago
