I really don't want to be depressing all the time

Monday morning I had decided I was going to be hopeful and postive - and it was a pretty good day. DH was a little annoyed because he didn't hear anything back about his b/w, but I guess I subscribe to the "ignorance is bliss" philosophy.

I honestly think we need to get better at screening our calls.... because there is no way a Dr calling after hours is going to be good news. If it was good news, a nurse would have called and left a message. So it looks like it's not going to be one of the easy answers.... I am still trying to keep up hope until after the next appointment, but it really is getting harder. At some point, DH and I really need to talk about what we'll do if it turns out there isn't anything they can do. I've started to think about it, but I don't think I can put any of it into words yet.

In an effort to prove to myself that I haven't given up, I gave in and called for my cd 21 test results --- the curiosity got to me.

I think my heart is breaking and at the same time I keep praying for a miracle. I just don't know how much more crappy news I can handle.

Lucky me - another blood draw tomorrow! CD 21 progesterone test. Bonus is I think we'll get the results from DH's hormone panel. We just won't really know what it means to us until the consult in April. I'm hoping we'll have the results of the genetic test by then, too.

As much as it will hurt if we find out bad news, it may be better than the holding pattern we're in. I just want my baby and in the end it won't matter how we get him/her (although I'm not too keen on the whole donor concept... it's just too soon to think about that - strange that it seems to be more economically feasible than most adoptions). I have considered starting to look at our option of adopting, but it looks like you can't really get started with that until after all infertility testing/treatment is complete :-(. Thinking of how long that process takes makes me wonder when we'll have our little family. If it turns we have treatment options it could take up to another year to see if they've done anything... and then to wait on top of that...

So I guess I'm really still hoping for low hormones or something that might provide us with something to work with in 3-6 months. Hoping and wishing for a lot of things - but stuck with waiting to find out what it is.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Don't forget to wear a little green!

Hurry up and wait...

DH called the clinic to check on things today.... he has bloodwork scheduled for this week (the genetic testing results will take 3-4 weeks :-( praying everything comes out normal!) and they made the referral for the urologist. That appointment isn't until April! Meanwhile Dr Google is all about the pessimism.... I'm having a hard time finding anything that really makes me feel positive (but then I'm also afraid that if I think positive, it will be too easy to be let down). I am so hoping that I'm freaking out and making a mountain out of a molehill.

Still praying for an obstruction or something that can be resolved.

In the meantime my mantra is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

Debbie Downer

FYI - i'm in Debbie Downer mode... but I figure since this is my blog, I can be -- and I'm not sure this will even make sense and I honestly am not sure I'll go back over it and try. This has been the longest week I've ever experienced. I keep hearing what the Dr said, but I know what the words mean, and that they're true - I just can't make it fit with my life. I keep thinking that there has to be a mistake, but I'm sure he wouldn't have told us if there was a chance of that.

I most hate that I don't know what to prepare us for until we get more information. I can think of what it means if we don't pursue treatment, but it kills me to think of getting the same outcome if we are to spend all our money and the emotional toll of trying to find out if there is anything we can do. We will... we at least need to know there's a chance ( because as far as we know there still is one). I hate the waiting....I understand we need the time to process, but I guess I just need to know if we can there is something we can do or if we need to move on and save our money to put towards other options.

It's weird because I feel like I'm being over dramatic to vocalize it - even if it is true with the information we have now. Next week will be the first time in over a year where the 2ww really won't mean anything, I won't even know when it starts because I've stopped temping. If I start my next cycle late, or am tired, or dizzy, or thirsty or experience any number of other symptoms I will know they're in my head. There is no reason to wonder until we can talk to the specialist and hear back from them. We can hope in the long term, but not in the short term. We've been waiting for the referral from Dr , and it feels like we should have heard something by now, but I guess we have to remember it was only 4 business days even though it's felt like months.

The hardest part of all is that I don't know what DH is feeling - we've only been able to talk about it a little bit, because he doesn't want to discuss it until we know what we're dealing with. As far as we've really gotten is that it's not fair, it's no one's fault, it's not fair, we'll make it through it, and we're at least going to pursue an actual diagnosis - after that I guess we can reevaluate.

ugh

Well, it looks like the my prolactin retest didn't turn out quite as expected - it actually went up (43 up from 24), so I get meds. Trying very hard to see the point in filling the prescription they called in for me. DH actually voiced the question, and I think I responded with something about being a hormonally balanced wife (seriously, what husband doesn't wish for that?!?)
I'll finish out the prescription for the bromocriptine and then get retested, after that, the only thing left is my day 21 progesterone (but once again, does it really matter what it is right now? I could see in a few months when we know more about what we're dealing with) I'm trying really hard to believe it does and will matter soon(eventually?).

Maybe some sleep will help me out of my funk... it's been a sleepless couple of nights and the days have been dragging. It feels like it's been at least a week since Monday afternoon. I wish it could be Friday again, when there was something to laugh at, besides the irony of treating a something that won't really help us right now anyway.