Well, Lupron, it's been awhile

I haven't missed you at all. The mid afternoon sleepiness. The night sweats. The forgetfulness. The brain fog. Did I mention the night sweats?

Please be easy on me this time through. I'm under a lot of stress like now and would like to get a full night sleep without waking up soaked. Not to mention my performance at work....it's been suffering the last two years and the last thing I need is to fall asleep at my desk in the afternoon.

I'd really like you to do your job and nothing more - no need to be an over achiever. Please make sure I don't ovulate before ER but still let the Follistim and Repronex do their jobs, too.

If all goes well I won't see you again for a couple years.

To my readers in Iowa

I'm sure we've all heard about the new bill declaring that life begins at conception. While we all have our individual views on abortion and when someone should be able to end a pregnancy, this bill could extend even further. One of the first things I thought of when I saw the media coverage, was how it could affect my family building options (and the options of my friends).

I think the current statistic is that 1 in8 or 1 in 10 couples suffer from infertility. This number is even higher in Iowa (about 1 in 5). Even if you don't think you personally know someone with Infertility, it is likely that more than one family member, friend, or coworker is dealing with this.

We may not all make the same choices when it comes to pursuing treatment (or not). But I believe it should remain a personal choice. It certainly shouldn't be dictated by someone who has never faced the decision.

Please take some time to visit the link below and think of your family and friends who may be using this technology to build their families. Think of those who have had to make the agonizing decision of ending a very much WANTED and celebrated pregnancy for whatever reason. This may be someone you know, even if you don't know about it.

Then please send a letter to your representative (or all of them) - you can even personalize it a portion of it.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=329

It's ON!

I am terrified. I have no idea what to even expect anymore especially since I'm going to be on lupron an extra week (to coordinate with RE's schedule). I'm about a week into the birth control and starting up the antibiotics (I REALLY hope they help clear up my skin because it needs help!).

I'd like to say that I just hope for embryos to transfer this time around but who am I kidding?


AHHHH! Time to start my relaxation tapes again!

3 years and why I don't look forward to the New Year

I realize the New Year is almost a full month in now and I never did one of those posts looking back on 2010 or a post on how I'm looking forward to 2011.

For the last few years, it's been hard to get excited for January and for the New Year because it's another year we've been trying to have a baby. There is no happy excitement about what might happen this year because I can't even imagine this year being much different from the last two. Instead of being excited for the future, I'm wondering what new setback we'll have next. (Have I mentioned that I'm convinced my ute healed funky and we won't be able to try for a pregnancy again?)

We first started trying in Jan of 2008. I remember in Feb or March not understanding why it hadn't happened yet. We'd waited so that we'd be in a good place if it did. I'd started charting as soon as I went off the pill. We were ready - so where was the darn baby already?!?!

And now it's been 3 flipping years. Next month will be 2 years from our first visit with the RE. March will be 2 years from our first dx. In almost 2 years time, we've done 2 IVFs, DH has had 2 surgeries, and I've had one. There has been no baby. There has not even been a chance at a baby unless you count those 10 embryos that should have made a baby but weren't strong enough to even make it into my uterus.

How did we get to this point? How has it been 2 years and we're ultimately in the same place we were to start with? Why can't we just get this sh$t over with, so we can know what will or won't work and move on?

While I'm at it - why won't that stupid adoption agency be more supportive of pursuing adoption and IF treatments at the same time? I hate that we can't do both and just see what works first.

All about numbers

1 : number of lunch invitations we (DH and I) declined because we were afraid it would include a pregnancy announcement

2 : Facebook pregnancy announcements in two days

14 : weeks along of first announcement

4: approx weeks along of second (just took pregnancy test - replied to first announcement that she hoped she was pregnant, too. It was just too soon to know. *squee*)
Oh and who the hell says "Welcome to the Breeding Club". WTF?!?

2.5 : hours elapsed between taking pregnancy and announcing it to the FB world

40 : cycles that have come and gone since H and I started TTC

8 : weeks until I can start BCP for our next IVF

99 : % chance that DH's work is going to some how make us push our IVF back some more

45 : the number of minutes I spent driving to/from and waiting for the Dr today, just to be told I should wait a couple more weeks to see if my lymph node gets back to normal

13: days of Z-pak I took before calling said Dr because lymph node is still enlarged (per instructions from other Dr)

20: dollars I now owe the Dr for the most useless appt ever

2000 : amount I will be paying the mechanic when my car gets all fixed up this weekend

Really?

About a week ago I noticed a swollen/lumpy area on my throat. The sore throat I had at the same time mostly went away over the weekend but it's still a little hard to swallow when I'm eating. I decided to make an appointment for it tomorrow since I was off work but the Drs office was booked today, tomorrow, and Friday. While I was perfectly ok waiting until Monday, the person in scheduling suggested I see one of the Drs working urgent care today instead of trying to schedule something for next week.

I went, I sat, I waited...and waited. Why is it that the waiting is always so much longer than the time you spend with the Dr? Anyway, it turns out I have a swollen lymph node (suck it, R - I wasn't imagining things even if you couldn't feel it). Apparently, this is probably caused by an infection somewhere - most likely a skin infection. Then the nice Dr commented on the ugly breakout I have and noticed that the acne issue is worse on the side with the swollen lymph node.

Awesome.

So, let's see...I'm 29 and have skin so bad that it's caused an infection. Really?!? Hopefully, the antibiotics will clear up the skin issue. I've been considering taking something for my skin again since it's been so bad, I just figured I should wait so I don't wonder if it somehow impacted my egg quality.

That thought actually leads me to wonder - will there ever be a day when I don't wonder if every.little.thing will have some impact on my fertility? I'd like to think so but there is a distinct possibility that I'm so crazy I'll still be analyzing things when I'm 50 wondering "what if". I hope not.

I'm considering it a positive thing that for the first time in 3 years (41 cycles), I didn't know what cycle day it was and couldn't remember the day my last period started. Does that count as progress? Have I come to terms with what our options really are or is it just that I've completely given up?

Something for me to ponder... while I'm pondering how well alcohol goes with my Zpak :)

Why Exercise and Alcohol don't mix

The feeling you have at 6am from 2 or 3 (ok...maybe more like 4) glasses of wine is much different than how you feel at 4:30 am. Plus, I HAVE to go to work. I did not have to go to spin.

In the last 6-ish weeks, I think I've worked out 3 times....I need to get back into my routine!