Negotiations

I think DH and I are making progress. We're no longer whispering "bend to my will" at each other in an attempt to get our way.

It still feels so strange to have to negotiate with your spouse about how you're going to approach trying to conceive your child. I want to try IVF one more time (my eggs and his sperm) with all the bells and whistles like acupuncture and wheat grass. That may provide the closure I need (I'm not crazy. I don't think it will work) - maybe even have some phone consults. DH won't agree to IVF again but if I request our records, I can call as many Drs as I'd like.

I want to try DE with his sperm if the hypothetical next IVF doesn't work. I've been vetoed due to financial considerations. However, it can be back on the table if ds doesn't work.

My last choice is to try IVF again with 1/2 ds. This is a really hard concession for me to make - I can't verbalize why. It's just a gut feeling that I'm trying to overcome. DH wants to try a few IUI's first. We'll see. The only thing I get out of this is that I want a "definitive" answer of how bad my eggs are before insurance open enrollment in the fall. That way we can change insurance if for some reason we could get more IF coverage and any money towards donor egg expenses.

There is currently a 2 year wait list for donor embryo at our clinic. This is the option that we're actually able to agree on. Neither of us want to wait that long right now.

Then there's adoption - I honestly can't figure out where this fits. Experiencing pregnancy, hearing my baby's heartbeat, seeing him/her on ultrasound, and feeling kicks are so important to me. There are just things I feel much more comfortable about with adoption. Plus, I just don't think anything else is going to work and I don't want to be in this place of decision making a year from now. The negotiations on this one have stalled. DH was willing to give up to a point - we can start looking into it but can't start putting any money towards it.

The only thing we've 100% agreed on is that we have to do something. We just need to figure out what that will be. Fast. Like yesterday. And I'll probably give in to DH for the pure fact that I don't want to go through another birthday or Mother's day the same way we have for the last two years.

Things would be so much easier if I just wanted what he wants.....or if I could bend him to my will. Let's not forget the money tree that I'm watching for in the backyard.