NIAW

National Infertility Awareness Week is this week - it actually started yesterday. There are a lot of ladies who have "come out" this week via Facebook. I can't even express how much I admire their willingness to put themselves out there like that. I'm not quite ready, and even if if I did give into the temptation to post something in my Facebook status, I am pretty sure my husband would not be a happy man. So I won't.

There are a few people who do know and here is a little bit of how IF has affected those relationships (ok... turned out to be a lot):

2 co-workers (sorry Babe....I couldn't keep my mouth shut) - one is struggling herself and the other is still single and not looking at children in the near future. Both have been incredible shoulders to cry on. They don't ask unless I have told them about an appointment, and I haven't heard any insensitive or crappy "advice" from either of them. They just listen and agree that it sucks.

my BFF - she also knows all the details. DH said I could tell her, so I don't have to apologize for this one. He and I actually met through her, and while our friendship was not always smooth sailing (middle school - yikes!), I am thankful we've been able to maintain our friendship and wish we could spend more time together (we live in the same town... how is it we only manage to find time to get together once every few months!?!). They actually got pregnant the first month they were trying (1 month before we started). I love their little boy, but he is such a reminder of what we can't have right now. Luckily, those feelings don't make it all the way through until after I'm home safe and sound.

E has been a great friend through this. She doesn't pry, but will check in to see how I we are doing and she lets me vent (and reassures me that I'm not a terrible person for being angry, jealous, or however I am feeling on a particular day). That's not to say our friendship hasn't changed at all. The day after we got 'the bad news', we went to a bday party for a our friends' 3 year old. As we were about to make our (extremely early) escape, she stopped to ask us if everything was ok. I guess we aren't as good of actors as we thought. Our reassurances were less than effective..... and I think we may have both started crying.

The next morning DH and I both got apology emails. And in one of them E said she'd be there if/when I was ready to talk and that she understood if I wasn't comfortable with that. Especially, if we didn't want to see or talk to her for awhile. Awesome. I think that weirdness has mostly gone away. We did have that fantastic shopping day last weekend :-)

Last, but not least, our 2 friends. This is maybe the one instance I wish I had kept my mouth shut. It was a mutual decision to tell after they announced an 'oops' pregnancy - and after she asked multiple times when we would start trying, because she didn't want to be pregnant alone... All they really know at this point is that we've been trying long enough to see a doctor and that it's bad. No real details. I think this is probably the friendship that has been affected the most by our infertility struggles. She is very well intentioned, but perhaps a little too prying (although not so much lately).

After our first visit with the RE, she if I was prescribed any medication. Umm, no. Why would a Dr do that with no prior testing? I would run as fast as possible from a Dr who did. Not that she should know that, or have any reason to know that. There have been a few other inquiries into how things are going, anecdotes about family who did IVF, and assurances (that aren't very reassuring) that everything will be ok. Comments on how we'll never regret spending money on treatments (while true), still sting because we don't even know if we will be able to try IVF.

I think this is the hardest, because I am resentful of the pregnancy she admits she wasn't ready for (and that she chooses to complain to me about). I don't understand not using birth control if you're not ready for the consequences. I'm also pretty sure that she may be aware that I could be having these feelings.

I'm pretty honest on bad days with my Facebook status. I don't think it makes sense to anyone who doesn't know our situation, but it probably makes those people think I'm in some severe depression. After our last Dr visit, I was pretty upset and posted a comment about hoping people realized how lucky they are. As far as I can tell, she thinks it was aimed at her (or some other comment I posted) - and it really wasn't. This is definitely the relationship that has been impacted the most (and the most negatively). We really haven't seen or talked to eachother more than a handful of times since we found out she was pregnant.

I think this is part of the reason I don't want to do the big reveal on Facebook this year. I don't want to be paranoid that people are pitying us or walking on eggshells and I don't want to feel like I have to sensor my thoughts so that I don't offend them. I do hope that in time, it will get better and I'll be able to let go of the anger and resentment I feel. I'd at least like to be able to figure out who I am angry with...who's fault is all of this anyway? Shouldn't there be someone/something to blame?

Have I mentioned yet that I'm going to need therapy ;-)

Today I am thankful for:

Really, I am thankful for a lot of things. But, right now at this second, I am very thankful for my insurance that covers our IF testing.

There were some new insurance claims processed this morning, so I went through and did the math. So far, since the beginning of March, about $3200 worth of tests/dr visits have been charged to our insurance. We owe about $1200. There are a few things that haven't come through yet also (and a few follow up visits we'll have to make). From what I've read, the genetic testing will be about $1500 - it will be interesting to see what gets covered on that one.

I'm scared to see what our final total will be. If it turns out we can't do any treatments, it seems like this will all have been a huge waste of money. A vacation would have been much more enjoyable!

On Monday mornings I always wish I could start the weekend over again. I'm just never quite ready to go back to work :-) Today isn't any different, and since DH is staying home because he doesn't feel well, that makes it even harder!

This weekend was great. I had a nice girls day that got me out of the house for a whole 12 hours and left me with very little time to think about IF (needed that!). It probably wasn't necessary to spend as much money as I did, but I think that may have been needed, too. For almost a year and a half, we've been watching our spending because we could be having a baby any month. We still need to watch that and keep saving so that we have the money for IVF if that turns out to be an option for us, but it was nice to go a little crazy and buy a couple things that make me feel a little better.

What did I buy? I got 2 dresses from White House Black Market! I was worried I wouldn't be able to find anything for a wedding we're going to next month, so I decided I would go with something I liked no matter what the price. This is easier said than done for me. Normally, anything over the $40-60 range makes me anxious. I brought home one dress and the second dress wasn't available to try on in my size, so they are sending it to me. I really thought I would decide which I like best when I have both in the right sizes and take the other back..... now I'm thinking I might just need a dress for the rehearsal dinner as well. I know I shouldn't, but it may be too tempting.

If you have any accessory/shoe ideas for me, feel free to suggest (in general I'm a little fashionably challenged!)

Same song second verse....

Tomorrow is another test day and I've been praying for very selfish things again. I really am just hoping to hear some kind of promising news! Anything that gives us an indication that we can go ahead with some sort of treatment.

So - I'm not normally in the business of begging for prayers, but if you read this - and you're the praying type- please be thinking of us and maybe send a prayer for a miracle.

4 years

Today is our 4th anniversary - I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. Just like I can't believe that means we've been together almost 7 (or is it closer to 8?) years!

I can say 100% that I picked a keeper :-)

New Dr gets 2 thumbs down

I didn't meet him, but I already don't like him (purely based on what's be relayed to me).

The options that I think we're going to have suck and I don't want to accept it. Dr 2 is reordering pretty much all of the tests, but doesn't expect any of the results to change. I guess at the next appointment I'll get to talk to him, too. (already wondering if I can convince husband to seek 2nd opinion 2 hours away...)

I most definitely need to come up with questions to ask!

So to recap: I don't like my options - they suck. I can't consider any of them until they don't feel like a 2nd choice (at what point does that happen?).

completely selfish

I've spent the last week thinking a lot about the different options we have for building our family. I figure it's better to start thinking about it now, rather than waiting and only starting to think about it after bad news.
The problem is even though I know I'd be ok with adoption, thinking about it still makes me sad. I am a little less convinced that I would be ok with some of our options that involve the genetics of someone other than DH or myself. I am considering the idea of embryo donation/adoption though... it seems like it could be a doable compromise. I just struggle with how we would explain some of these more unusual choices to our child/children and families (and I suppose friends - because once you tell a child something it really won't be a secret much longer) and how it will affect their sense of self as they grow.
I guess I am feeling very selfish. I want to experience pregnancy and feel my baby growing inside me. I want to feel the kicks and have that bonding experience and I'm not at all ready to give up on that idea. I think that will be the hardest part. That and the potential that we will never have a baby that we look and and debate on which features come from who. I want to experience the joys and frustrations of raising an infant.

I know in the end genetics aren't a deciding factor and really don't matter - it's a hard idea to get over. In the end, I just want to be able to see DH with our baby - however we get to that point.

Problem is I want to be able to have sex with my husband and create our child and that's not going to happen (note to God: still leaving that one up to You.... I've heard that You can perform miracles and this would be a huge one that wouldn't go unnoticed! I'm even ok with miracles performed through medical technology.) I don't want to wonder where I'm going to come up with the cash for an infant adoption. I don't want to wonder if there is something we did that got us to this point or why God chose this for us. I don't like feeling the unfairness that some child molesters and abusers can have a baby no problem and we may end up facing home visits and others questioning our potential skills as parents before we even have a chance to try.