I don't know what to do anymore

This morning we got 9 but only 4 or 5 are mature. I don't even know what to do with that information. Other cycles we've gotten about 50% fert so that doesn't seem good either.

I just don't know if I can handle another cancelled transfer. We couldn't even make it that far when I had 12 mature. I really thought my expectations for this cycle were reasonable but this hurts so much more than I'd imagined.

I can't handle not knowing what we're going to do next or if trying donor egg will be a colossal failure, too.

and.....

I triggered tonight! ER is early, early, early Friday morning.

I have to admit I've been a little peeved at my slow, lazy ovaries this week... I am on the same dose of everything I've been on the last 2 cycles and I still wasn't ready for a Wed or Thurs ER (Nurse said it was somewhat related to my high estrogen at the beginning of my cycle. There is actually one other patient this week who is having the same situation).

Since I was out of repronex, I was able to use some of the follistim I had left instead. I did 150 of that last night and went in for a last minute scan this morning. I guess everything looked good because I got to trigger tonight.

I'm a bit bummed because I've really been counting on a reason to take 2 days of vacation this week and now I don't have one. The very good news is...


DH will be here for my ER now! He's been gone for work since the beginning of March and was supposed to get back on Sat. I guess they decided last week that they were coming back a couple days early. He had everything all arranged to surprise me but called today when I told him I finally had a trigger time (thought since he would be here it would be good for me to let my coworker know she didn't have to give me a ride).

I am so relieved. There hasn't been a melt down yet but I know there are one or two coming...and it's so nice that there is a smaller chance it will be in front of co-worker :)

The nurse wouldn't tell me how many follicles I have in the running - she'd only go as far as saying plenty >:( What kind of an answer is that?!?! A nurse the other day said 10-12 so I hope that is still the case.

Now the next 33-ish hours just have to go fast!

Some days it's hard to blog

Sometimes it's because I'm in such a foul mood I don't want to share that with others or thinks are going pretty well and I don't make time. Tonight it's because I have the cuddliest little kitty hogging all my lap space. But he purrs so I'll try to work around him :)

The other day I got an award :) I have to say it did brighten my day a bit! This week has been a bit rough not knowing how my estrogen level would be on Friday and some other dwelling on the past (I'm sure I'll go into that later).
First off we'll cover the matter of the award.

Here’s how it works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. Serendipite (Who Am I, Why Am I Here?) presented me with the award. Thanks!
   
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
4. Contact these blogs and tell them about the award

I'll see if I can come up with 7 semi-interesting things...
1) In college I got into more than one "discussion" with others regarding my eating habits. One night a girl on my floor actually told me I couldn't eat a BBQ sandwich because it was meat and I was a vegetarian. I've never been vegetarian - I just like to eat salad when it's available :)
2) My husband will keep me from being a crazy cat lady - but I think I have a problem. We have 2 cats and a dog. I almost came home with a Great Dane from Petsmart yesterday. I took the pup to get her nails done and the rescue was there...soooo tempting.
3) I have an obsession with makeup. The specific type of makeup seems to vary but I have spent an insane amount of money on makeup that I can't possibly wear. A couple years ago it was mineral makeup - Right now I'm on a mission to find the perfect foundation. On a daily basis, I wear powder foundation, a little eyeshadow and some lipgoss - it disappears within a couple hours....it will take me my whole life to use everything I have.
4) I would love to do a 70.3 someday. If I ever complete a marathon the goal will be to do a full Ironman. I think people who can do this are crazy awesome.
5) I'm really shy IRL and will avoid social situations that require me to be around people I don't know well... especially if they know each other.
6) I have watched 2 seasons of Angel in the last week. He's so pretty.
7) From age 5-~19 I wanted to go to med school and be a pediatrician. The main reason I didn't is because I was traumatized by high school biology and put off taking it in college. By the time I was at the end of my 2nd year, I didn't want to start taking all the prereqs. For awhile I also thought about going back to school for pediatric nursing. I wonder what my mental state would be if I'd done either of those things...

It looks like some of the bloggers I'd have nominated were nominated by others - so my list is a bit short.
A Long Road Ahead
One Little Pink Line Short of Sheer Bliss
Our Crazy Life


In other updates, Friday my estrogen was down to 220 and my RE gave the go ahead for me to start stims tomorrow. I thought I'd started spotting Friday morning and again yesterday... but today I'm sure :P I will take that as a good sign.

Thursday marked 2 years from when we got our dx. That combined with my birthday coming up is hitting me pretty hard. Then I think about my friend having her 2nd baby next week (this week?) and I'm near a full blown melt down. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years and it feels like we're in the same place.

I tried to go to baby gap to get a gift this afternoon and couldn't do it. Couldn't look at anything on the website either :( In the same 3+ years she'll have 2 babies and I still have none. We don't even know what route to take to be successful. This IVF should have been in Nov, so that we could have some answers by now. frick frick frick.

Wouldn't want this to be too easy, would we?

My major paranoia for this cycle is that I'm going to be over suppressed. I've also been a little worried because I haven't had a withdrawal bleed since I stopped birth control. The clinic doesn't require it and says some people don't have one. However, the first 2 cycles I did and it was always by my baseline appt.

Enter my baseline appointment today and SURPRISE - wait - can I beg for no surprises? I don't like them. I am not a fan of surprises when it comes to IF, IVF, etc.

Anyway, the u/s went fine and I planned to start stims Monday per my calendar. And then this afternoon I got the call. The voicemail from the clinic that they wanted to touch base.

This doesn't happen. I have NEVER gotten a call after a monitoring appt. They only call if something is changing. This means that pretty much all calls are less than ideal. Today this means my estrogen is high. No cyst found at the u/s, so I don't know what would cause this? It's not just a little high either - it's 300 something and should be around 50 or 60. So I get a recheck Friday and if it's still high, I'm not sure what we'll do. I know I won't get to start stims Monday. Will I just stay on lupron a little longer? Will I stop lupron and have to start everything over later?

As much as I would have liked to know the what if's I decided not to ask. I am trying very hard not to think too far ahead. Stay positive that Friday's levels will be in range and all that jazz. Who am I fooling? I'm completely worried. Part of me would rather cancel everything now because it's not "right". I don't want to start a cycle that already has a road block. I don't want to stay on lupron longer because I'm still afraid of it affecting my follicle count once I do start stims.

I just want something to go right for once damnit.

Well, Lupron, it's been awhile

I haven't missed you at all. The mid afternoon sleepiness. The night sweats. The forgetfulness. The brain fog. Did I mention the night sweats?

Please be easy on me this time through. I'm under a lot of stress like now and would like to get a full night sleep without waking up soaked. Not to mention my performance at work....it's been suffering the last two years and the last thing I need is to fall asleep at my desk in the afternoon.

I'd really like you to do your job and nothing more - no need to be an over achiever. Please make sure I don't ovulate before ER but still let the Follistim and Repronex do their jobs, too.

If all goes well I won't see you again for a couple years.

To my readers in Iowa

I'm sure we've all heard about the new bill declaring that life begins at conception. While we all have our individual views on abortion and when someone should be able to end a pregnancy, this bill could extend even further. One of the first things I thought of when I saw the media coverage, was how it could affect my family building options (and the options of my friends).

I think the current statistic is that 1 in8 or 1 in 10 couples suffer from infertility. This number is even higher in Iowa (about 1 in 5). Even if you don't think you personally know someone with Infertility, it is likely that more than one family member, friend, or coworker is dealing with this.

We may not all make the same choices when it comes to pursuing treatment (or not). But I believe it should remain a personal choice. It certainly shouldn't be dictated by someone who has never faced the decision.

Please take some time to visit the link below and think of your family and friends who may be using this technology to build their families. Think of those who have had to make the agonizing decision of ending a very much WANTED and celebrated pregnancy for whatever reason. This may be someone you know, even if you don't know about it.

Then please send a letter to your representative (or all of them) - you can even personalize it a portion of it.

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=329

It's ON!

I am terrified. I have no idea what to even expect anymore especially since I'm going to be on lupron an extra week (to coordinate with RE's schedule). I'm about a week into the birth control and starting up the antibiotics (I REALLY hope they help clear up my skin because it needs help!).

I'd like to say that I just hope for embryos to transfer this time around but who am I kidding?


AHHHH! Time to start my relaxation tapes again!