If only everyday could be a Saturday

Or if it could be a Sunday like yesterday! Generally, I'm not a big fan of Sunday because I'm thinking too much about what needs to get done before the week starts or dreading what's to come on Monday. Yesterday was a great exception to that.

We started the day out with a nice jog (jog may be a bit optimistic... maybe I should say walk) and then went downtown to the Arts Festival. We walked around for a bit and then had a couple beers (and a little buzz) by one of the music stages. We even got to take a little nap once we got home.

To top it all off we had a nice (albeit very short) talk about what we're going to do. It pretty much started because there are days when I still insist on talking about what it will be like when I'm pregnant or what we'll buy/do when we have a baby. DH mentioned that we don't know if that will ever happen and that he was warming to the idea of adoption. That gave me the chance to get some things off my chest and express some of my reservations about using a donor (ie - the day he said "but then we don't have to tell anyone" - I'm not going to avoid adoption just so that we can keep our infertility a secret) . He actually said we probably would tell friends - that kind of shocked me. I'm still not quite sure how our families would handle it and I worry that it's selfish to want to experience pregnancy that much.

He also mentioned embryo adoption again. A couple months ago this was one of my top options, but the way embryos can be treated as children bothers me a bit. I totally understand why couples donating their embryos would want some control over their potential family, and any embryo DH and I might be lucky enough to create would be a little potential baby to me. I just wonder about what direction this will take. Could this trend lead to new arguments against the right to choose? What could it mean for fertility treatments? If embryos are considered children, I'm afraid there might be limits placed on the number of eggs that could be fertilized during an IVF cycle or restrictions placed on FETs, DE, DS, etc...

Hmmmm.... I seem to have gotten a bit off topic.


Anyway, it was a nice day :-)

I can't believe it's been a whole month since I updated my blog! I can't say there has been anything new. I've been really busy at work and trying to reduce my internet time at home. The hope was that I'd think less about IF, if I could focus on other things. ... It didn't work.

My goal was to not blog on bad days, but to wait until I had something really good and happy to blog about. That's not to say that there isn't any happiness in my life - because there is. It's just that IF is always in the background and I can't seem to shake it. I know there are so many things in my life I should be grateful for and I should focus on that. For some reason that last week or two I've been in a funk and haven't been able to break out of it. I don't have energy to go and do anything, but at the same time I feel like crawling out of my skin...I can't think of a better way to explain it.

Seriously, I have turned completely loony.
(confession1: I know it could be worse - but this experience has really felt like the worst thing I could survive. Even worse confession: there are days when I think this is the worst IF possible to deal with. I know it isn't true, but I still have days where I feel this way. I feel robbed of our chance to even try.)

Today was a real reminder of how much worse it could be. Friends of ours, just days away from having their first, lost a family member this morning in some kind of freak accident. At the last update they hadn't heard about the cause of the fire. I can't imagine losing a family member or trying to balance so much grief with the happiness of new life.

So sick of waiting!

7 weeks! We couldn't get a follow-up/consult for 7 freaking weeks. What will we get then? Probably another 10 minute appointment where I blank on all the questions I have.

How much longer will we have to wait to schedule the procedure after that? Will it be another 7 weeks? Longer, because it's more than a 10 minute sit down?

I know (and hope I will) use this time to lose the weight I've gained since the dx. I should get myself into tip top shape so that we can (hopefully) have a successful IVF cycle. It is just so hard to believe that we have to wait even longer to find out if we can even try.

This extra time could be a good thing. We could spend the next few months discussing plan B and making sure we're on the same page. I just don't know if we'll do that. Are these decisions we can really make before we know?

Quick update

We met with the RE today even though we probably didn't need to. It was basically a repeat of what he said in the last phone message.

I am happy that they aren't going to require us to do a fresh IVF cycle - I'm just not ready to deal with the donor issue, yet. Besides, DH and I aren't agreed on plan B.
Mostly, the appointment was a chance to hear everything in person. We asked about a urologist recommendation and he still said the one we were seeing would be best in our area, he may have even said the state (unless we want to go to NY - I've read about that program ( it's the best) but they don't accept insurance and we'd have to be out there for a full IVF cycle.) I don't know who we'll end up going with - but we both agree we want to do it soon.

Other than that we came home with a lot of information on IVF, MFI, DS, and adoption. I forgot to ask about a counseling recommendation, but I'll have to call to schedule a prolactin recheck soon and can ask then.

So now we wait - again.

Why do good people have to say stupid things?

When someone who isn't a friend says something you don't want to hear, you can be angry, disgruntled, bitter, etc and carry on about it for as long as you'd like. It's a completely different story when it's a friend and you can't justify any of those feelings. That's why I'm really wishing this conversation Sat night had been with someone I either didn't know well or didn't like.

Guilty party: glowing parents of 4 month old
Place: Wedding - should be happy, joyous occasion
Time: Dinner
Comment: So you guys are next, right?
Response: Mumbles something about probably not being next.
Comment: Well, you're the only ones left.
Response: (stares at table eventually comes up with something) T&K just got married, so we're not the only ones anymore.
Comment: Don't you want one of these (holds up adorable little girl)
Response: no clue- managed to get something out of my mouth and stared at my plate for awhile. May have said something about getting new siding and not having money for kids.

Really - it's a forgivable offense and I probably wouldn't still be thinking about it except for the " you're the only ones left" comment. That hit a little too close to home since DH did that math after the pregnancy announcement last week. I think there may have been a few blissful seconds before I realized it was true.

So, yes, we are the last of our married friends to have children (other than the newlyweds- however, about 6 months ago T suggested K and I get pregnant at the same time, I don't think they're waiting too long). That leaves single, anti-children, male friend and another couple who will be married in Dec.

It's a good thing I have my furbabies!

Oh yea - and apparently there is nothing wrong with my car (losing power is now normal?). At least they didn't charge me for that gem.

Stuck!

This blog title makes me feel like I should blog about how I feel like I'm stuck in quick sand dealing with all of this or about how I was stuck at a group dinner with a newly pregnant (and glowing) couple. This is all true, but I'm going with the literal meaning. On Tuesday afternoon, I got stuck. In my car. In the garage of my house.

My car has some electrical quirks that the dealership has never noticed/been able to figure out. It's lost power in the past as I'm turning it off and after a couple seconds of panicking, I realize I can pull the lock button up and everything is ok (it usually starts again the next time I want to go somewhere). Tuesday, it must have happened while the door was unlocking, because I couldn't pull the button up! After a few minutes, I tried starting the car again (nothing - no clicking/cranking/sputtering), and was able to release the lock button while turning the key back and forth in the ignition. Today the car is at the dealership and they think it may be something with the alternator.

Lesson: something expensive always happens when you finally get your car paid off!

Oh- and we're meeting with the RE in a week! I'm excited that we're closer to being able to do something, but I'm terrified of hearing what he has to say...I imagine it sucking more in person than through a voicemail.

Voicemail from Dr1

Just a quick update, because really all the info we have is from the voicemail he left.
So here it goes:

• genetic testing is in and all ok :-) (we knew that)
  
• we can go straight to the donor gamete option
  
• 50% chance of finding what we need for an IVF cycle is probably "overly optimistic" (I guess it's good that we're not getting our hopes up? Except that, they're up... way, way up)
• we can do a "concombinent"(?) IVF cycle and risk not finding anything - they'd want a donor backup available
  
• it is not "unreasonable", with the information we have now, to meet with Dr1 to discuss the details and more of what is involved
• go back to Dr 2 for biopsy before attempting IVF (this might give us an indication or our chances of being able to complete the cycle)
  

So we are going to schedule an appointment. I'm still praying that we at least have all of the ingredients to attempt IVF. AND I have my hopes up and am praying that we make the right decision. We're still undecided about what we'll do if we can't complete an IVF cycle. It's that step where I worry that we won't make the right decision. Whatever right means these days.