2 more months

It will be another 2 months until we have any answers - but it will be a definitive one. The worst part of this being scheduled so far out, is that I feel like I still would have a chance to do a concombinant IVF cycle. Maybe it's a sign that I should? Crap - more time to second guess our choice.

I am still hoping I make it to the IF support group sometime soon - even after my traumatic experience yesterday. After a tear-filled drive home, I decided it was time to make an appointment with the therapist. A few weeks ago I called our clinic and asked for a recommendation, but I hadn't done anything past checking into insurance coverage. I called today and made an appointment ($150 AFTER insurance- WTF!). It's not for another month, but I think it will be good to talk to someone before everything else happens. I'm going on my own and I was hoping I could convince DH to go once and then schedule an appt to go together. I know I can get him to go with me, but it doesn't seem like he's very interested in going on his own.

This is the kind of luck I have

I finally decided to try out the support group I heard about in town. I get there, wander around the warehouse of a church with kids and adults running all over the place, and find the room empty and dark. My best guess is that it was canceled this week because of vacation bible school.

I suppose it's my own fault because I should have double checked (not sure who I would have double checked with...). All I've heard is the 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month. For the last 8 months whenever I've thought about going, or checked into seeing if they were still meeting they always were. Just not tonight.

What a waste of an hour.

Dr. RE, please don't steer us wrong

First off - thanks for the comments and reinforcement that I'm not crazy.

So we had the much anticipated appointment with Dr 2 yesterday. (anyone who has already been subjected to the vent on this may want to skip this blog entry) What a waste! First off, we didn't get called back until a half hour after our scheduled appointment and the nurse followed that up with asking why we were there. Didn't we discuss coordinate things with Dr RE's office? WTF?!? Not like DH didn't specify that when he made the appointment. There is a surgery involved - shouldn't it be expected that we'd want to discuss the details with the person performing the procedure?

So... a little over a half hour after that, the Dr actually came in and we had a semi-useless 5-10 minute conversation in the exam room. Granted we were irritated by the wait, but it just didn't feel like he was really listening to our questions. I guess I'm spoiled by our RE - it may be hard to talk to him in person, but at least the office is pretty good about answering voicemails.

It was a really disappointing visit and if Dr RE hadn't said that this was the Dr we should see (unless we wanted to go to NY), I think we'd be going to the University Clinic out of town. I've still considered that, but I'm tired of the waiting and uncertainty.

Anyway, I called Dr RE today to ask a couple last questions and ask how to handle getting the procedure scheduled, but he was out. That means tomorrow is the day. I'll have to make a decision and it is scaring the crap out of me. I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, even though we won't know what we should have done until this is all over. Hopefully, Dr RE will help validate our decision tomorrow.

At any rate, I hope we can get things scheduled soon and I hope the Drs find what we need. Please work, please work, please work.

If only everyday could be a Saturday

Or if it could be a Sunday like yesterday! Generally, I'm not a big fan of Sunday because I'm thinking too much about what needs to get done before the week starts or dreading what's to come on Monday. Yesterday was a great exception to that.

We started the day out with a nice jog (jog may be a bit optimistic... maybe I should say walk) and then went downtown to the Arts Festival. We walked around for a bit and then had a couple beers (and a little buzz) by one of the music stages. We even got to take a little nap once we got home.

To top it all off we had a nice (albeit very short) talk about what we're going to do. It pretty much started because there are days when I still insist on talking about what it will be like when I'm pregnant or what we'll buy/do when we have a baby. DH mentioned that we don't know if that will ever happen and that he was warming to the idea of adoption. That gave me the chance to get some things off my chest and express some of my reservations about using a donor (ie - the day he said "but then we don't have to tell anyone" - I'm not going to avoid adoption just so that we can keep our infertility a secret) . He actually said we probably would tell friends - that kind of shocked me. I'm still not quite sure how our families would handle it and I worry that it's selfish to want to experience pregnancy that much.

He also mentioned embryo adoption again. A couple months ago this was one of my top options, but the way embryos can be treated as children bothers me a bit. I totally understand why couples donating their embryos would want some control over their potential family, and any embryo DH and I might be lucky enough to create would be a little potential baby to me. I just wonder about what direction this will take. Could this trend lead to new arguments against the right to choose? What could it mean for fertility treatments? If embryos are considered children, I'm afraid there might be limits placed on the number of eggs that could be fertilized during an IVF cycle or restrictions placed on FETs, DE, DS, etc...

Hmmmm.... I seem to have gotten a bit off topic.


Anyway, it was a nice day :-)

I can't believe it's been a whole month since I updated my blog! I can't say there has been anything new. I've been really busy at work and trying to reduce my internet time at home. The hope was that I'd think less about IF, if I could focus on other things. ... It didn't work.

My goal was to not blog on bad days, but to wait until I had something really good and happy to blog about. That's not to say that there isn't any happiness in my life - because there is. It's just that IF is always in the background and I can't seem to shake it. I know there are so many things in my life I should be grateful for and I should focus on that. For some reason that last week or two I've been in a funk and haven't been able to break out of it. I don't have energy to go and do anything, but at the same time I feel like crawling out of my skin...I can't think of a better way to explain it.

Seriously, I have turned completely loony.
(confession1: I know it could be worse - but this experience has really felt like the worst thing I could survive. Even worse confession: there are days when I think this is the worst IF possible to deal with. I know it isn't true, but I still have days where I feel this way. I feel robbed of our chance to even try.)

Today was a real reminder of how much worse it could be. Friends of ours, just days away from having their first, lost a family member this morning in some kind of freak accident. At the last update they hadn't heard about the cause of the fire. I can't imagine losing a family member or trying to balance so much grief with the happiness of new life.

So sick of waiting!

7 weeks! We couldn't get a follow-up/consult for 7 freaking weeks. What will we get then? Probably another 10 minute appointment where I blank on all the questions I have.

How much longer will we have to wait to schedule the procedure after that? Will it be another 7 weeks? Longer, because it's more than a 10 minute sit down?

I know (and hope I will) use this time to lose the weight I've gained since the dx. I should get myself into tip top shape so that we can (hopefully) have a successful IVF cycle. It is just so hard to believe that we have to wait even longer to find out if we can even try.

This extra time could be a good thing. We could spend the next few months discussing plan B and making sure we're on the same page. I just don't know if we'll do that. Are these decisions we can really make before we know?

Quick update

We met with the RE today even though we probably didn't need to. It was basically a repeat of what he said in the last phone message.

I am happy that they aren't going to require us to do a fresh IVF cycle - I'm just not ready to deal with the donor issue, yet. Besides, DH and I aren't agreed on plan B.
Mostly, the appointment was a chance to hear everything in person. We asked about a urologist recommendation and he still said the one we were seeing would be best in our area, he may have even said the state (unless we want to go to NY - I've read about that program ( it's the best) but they don't accept insurance and we'd have to be out there for a full IVF cycle.) I don't know who we'll end up going with - but we both agree we want to do it soon.

Other than that we came home with a lot of information on IVF, MFI, DS, and adoption. I forgot to ask about a counseling recommendation, but I'll have to call to schedule a prolactin recheck soon and can ask then.

So now we wait - again.