I've been a very bad blogger

It's not that I haven't had anything to say, I just haven't taken the time to blog (even worse, I haven't commented on anyone else's blog). I keep telling myself that "tomorrow" I will have more time.... sad, because I really do nothing besides watch TV all night.

Tonight I figured I might as well get things out. We will be cycling again in a few months (I am scared shitless by the way). I honestly can't picture this working. How can you really go from no embryos to a baby? DH and I haven't worked out the all of the little details yet - but I haven't changed my mind. Maybe I should check in with him to see if he's changed his.....

I think we've even been able to iron out the timeline for IVF #2. Things were a little up in the air because of his work trip and because I'm going to go visit when he's done working. Super awesome vacation here we come!! Of course this leads to another question - where do we come up with the cash for the next cycle once our vacation is over? I hate pulling money from savings - that is supposed to be for nursery and maternity leave. BUT - what I hate even more is everything we've put on hold or not done since we've been trying (this month makes it 2 years/ 28 cycles). So, yea, we're taking the vacation. The timing looks like I should be starting BC while we're in paradise.

What else is there.... I'm still training and trying to eat better, but not losing weight :( I'm doing a mini indoor triathlon in a couple weeks. My goal is to not be last - I'm really setting the bar high, aren't I? I am slightly worried about balancing enough exercise without it being too much and affecting the IVF cycle.

I almost forgot - I had my annual a couple weeks ago. That will be a good story for my next post. A little teaser for you - last year my ob/gyn told me that if we were patient and kept trying she was confident we'd get pregnant on our own. If only....

Happy New Year!

I hope 2010 brings everyone health, wealth, and happiness!

I'm beginning to sense a pattern

I think we're doomed to these stupid periods of waiting.

We didn't get any new revelations yesterday. I'm not actually sure if it was really worth the appointment or if I just need to hear things twice for them to sink in. Basically, if (when) we try again we could have embryos to transfer - or not. We could use the frozen sample and it could work - or not. DH could have surgery again so we can use a fresh sample and that could work - or not. What a freaking crapshoot.

He doesn't know and we don't know - we can just hope for a better outcome. I forgot to ask about trying a 3 day transfer, but I don't think that really matters. I know it's rare for them not to have embryos for the 5 day - I believe that. If it was common they would do more 3 day transfers.

Blah. We don't even know when we can cycle again. DH has to go away for 3-4 weeks for work sometime in Feb/March and I'm going to visit him for a bit after he's done working. That means I can't even start any meds that need monitoring until after that. I guess that means it will be March or April before we see the results of our choices. AHHH.

Hopefully, we can take the time to work on getting healthier (we still eat like college students). I'd like to lose the 15 lbs I gaind last April and the 10 I was already trying to lose (It would be really super if my pants buttoned comfortably again!)

Survived

Somehow we all made it through Christmas with my IL's. I didn't get as much crap that I'd never want as normal - YAY. Unfortunately, the stuff I can't figure out how to use was homemade. I guess it's the curse of being a mother-in-law. They just can't win, can they?

There was a great present for us when we got back into town, too. The driveway had been plowed over. We shoveled (nope - no snow blower) for an hour or so - enough to be able to get the car in the driveway and the sidewalks. I'll finish the rest of the driveway tomorrow and use it as an excuse not to go to the gym.

We have our follow up tomorrow and I hope we can add that to things we survive in 2009. And if we're really, really, really lucky it will lead to something good in 2010.

Not willing to accept where we are

I've spent a lot of the last week trying to figure out what our next step will be. I want to try again. I think that I'll be able to convince DH to try another time since we have one more try covered by insurance.

DH wants to hear what the RE has to say at our WTF before we decide. I scheduled it for after Christmas thinking it would be nice not to think about it the few days before, but now I wish it was over with. I can't see him saying much different than the RE we talked to the day we were supposed to have the transfer.

It didn't sound like they'd keep us from trying again - the RE told me to take inventory of my leftover meds so we could use them for another cycle. He did make it clear that he didn't think we'd have a very different outcome. He also doesn't think it will make a difference if we use a fresh or frozen sample (makes sense - since they said it didn't matter before we started this cycle). The fact that all the embryos arrested at the same time, points to a bigger issue that he doesn't seem to think we'll be able to work around.

I am having trouble understanding how there is no fix to this. We have the ingredients -- that was supposed to be the hard part. DH seems to be ready to move on to the next option. I'm not. Hell, I don't even know what options I can be ok with. I was starting to come around to the donor idea and now I feel like I'm starting all over. It's not any easier this time through either. We were so close.

What now?

How do you go from six great looking embryos to three that score 4/5 and a couple lagging a bit on day 3 to none to transfer? And why does it have to be something they think will happen again.

It's so freaking unfair to get this far and think the hard part is over to hearing we got our hopes up for nothing. I knew it might not work but still thought we'd at least have something to transfer.

Fert Report is in

It's a good thing I didn't sleep in this morning because the RE called bright and early!

12 of the 13 eggs were mature and 6 fertilized and the plan is to do a 5dt and transfer 2. He said the ones that fertilized look good. Honestly, I'm not quite sure what he'd say if they didn't look good - he always seems so confident. I don't think he'd completely blow smoke up my ass, but maybe since we're this far he would?

When we got our initial dx he was pretty darn honest - he stressed that we had a less than 50% chance of being able to try for a baby without donor gametes/embryos. I'm sure (or at least choosing to believe) that if there was cause for concern he would say something.

As much as I don't like the idea of waiting and wondering how our little embryos are doing - I know the 2ww will be a whole new kind of waiting torture. Until then, I'm trying to remember that we beat the odds once. And that was something that no change in protocol or trying again could change.
I asked about how many vials we used and we only used 1 - so we CAN try again! Of course, the RE said we wouldn't need the other 2 (example of the confidence I was talking about) but I like knowing we have options.

If we're really lucky maybe we'll get to use them for a second or third baby! Ok - we might have to win the lottery to try all this a 3rd time - but a girl can dream :)