Back in my fat pants :(

I've pretty much always struggled with my weight and I've been on a "diet" or some sort since I was about 10 or so. The first year of college wasn't very kind to me but a crazy work schedule the summer after my freshman year helped me get down to about 140 lbs...one day I even saw 139 (I honestly dream about seeing that number on a scale again. I saw it once and it's now become the unattainable goal). I maintained that size for a couple years but gained again when DH and I were dating.

I lost that weight before our wedding - again a crazy work schedule (I worked 3rd shift) and a diet mt dew for "lunch" every night. After the wedding I gained again but I don't think I realized how quickly or how much I was gaining. I was very unhappy working night shift and didn't really fit in the position I had at work. I was stopping for a donut or two almost every morning on my way home from work and washing that down with a beer while I searched for a new job.

I did find a new job (day hours), we moved back to a town where we knew people, and I weighed myself. I topped out at about 164. Somehow I was able to lose that - probably more slowly than I remember it being. I was getting into running and my work schedule had me home about 4:30 or 5pm so we could get to the gym before it got busy and home again before it was too late. Plus, I think I was happy.

That job started getting pretty stressful and even though I'm a stress eater - I was too stressed to eat. I was also working out with a trainer for a bit around that time (to help me reduce my stress) and even though I wasn't particularly happy with life - I was pretty darn happy with my body. Never got down much past 142 but was pretty toned for me.

They cycle began again - found a new job, was happier, lost some of my muscle tone but my clothes still fit and the scale didn't move up too much. Then about a year after that I gained a little. Not lifting made me a little flabbier....we'd been trying for a baby for a few months and I started eating a little more....148 lbs. I said I'd never get back up above 150 so I joined weight watchers. Lost a few pounds.

I think I was at about 144 or 145 with clothes on at our 1st RE appt. 8 or 9 months later (when we started our first IVF) I was about 156 or 157 without clothes. Those 12 pounds really snuck up on me, I was running all last summer and knew my pants were getting a bit tight but I couldn't really stop or lose that weight.

Last fall I started tri training - 2 days of spinning for an hour and 2 days swimming for an hour. I tried to run on Friday but skipped once in awhile. Still couldn't lose but at least I wasn't gaining. Didn't gain over the winter, or in HI, or during our last IVF cycle. Even made it most of the way through the summer.... but now I've been teetering on the edge of 160 again. 159 some days, 161 others.

I'm still not sure how this happened. All I know is that I broke down today and got my fat pants out. The pants I used to be able to pull off without unbuttoning. The pants I packed away for when I was pregnant so I could put off buying maternity pants. And they fit. One pair is even a bit snug.

I really don't even know what to do. I've been working out and tracking my food. I'm eating healthier than I used to and I'm almost at my heaviest weight ever. I want to be in good shape when I get pregnant. I want 160 to be the number I see a few months in to the pregnancy or near the end. Not where I start. I want my smaller jeans and my cute shirts to fit. I'm sick of hiding my muffin top under my over sized race shirts.

too many choices does a crazy lady make

I've never been a decisive person. If a menu has too many things on it, I have trouble choosing my dinner. Obviously, this issue is magnified by 1000 for emotional issues.

DH recently decided he's come around to the idea of donor egg - yay! - but he put quite a few conditions on it. For example, we can only try it once and if it doesn't work we can't do any treatments until it's paid off. The last 3 months have been hell-ish... I honestly don't think I could handle a year or longer while we pay off that bill. Then there's the fact that he doesn't really want to go that direction and he feels like his opinion(s) were brushed aside on our other cycles.

Why can't I be more flexible with this? I really want to want what he wants (say that 3 times fast). I just can't get there and wonder if I ever will?

After another phone call with the RE, it really doesn't seem like DE is the direction we need to go right now. Certainly not the "logical" choice. Adoption isn't an option for DH right now, either.

I get mentally that a baby that is biologically related to both of us is not going to happen - I just can't accept it yet (don't want to accept it?). I'm so desperate to figure out a way to make it worth trying again, I'm worried I might not be able to let go.

When I talked to the RE the other day, I asked about doing a 3dt. Really - we haven't tried that yet, so it's an option we should pursue, right? ::insert eye roll:: I was 100% expecting him to say I was crazy and there was no point. That it wouldn't make a difference for a couple who has had 0 out of 10 embryos to transfer at day 5. But he didn't! He said it wouldn't hurt - it probably wouldn't help - but it wouldn't hurt.

Crap

Can you really justify $12,000 on that? Why couldn't I have asked this before our last IVF? Do I really think our embryos hate the clinic's lab that much? No.
Do I want to believe this will make all the difference? That the dream I had (over a year ago) about getting pregnant with a 3dt was a sign? Yes.
Am I certifiably BSC? YES.
Will making some sort of decision that sabotages the chance of a successful IVF cycle cause some serious, possibly permanent damage to my marriage? Probably.
Sigh.

But maybe this is all it would take? We can have our biological baby and live in a utopia of parenthood forever. Right?

The Switch

I will not be seeing this movie. In fact, the trailers make me want to throw myself out a window. I love Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston but I just won't do it. Won't, can't, not gonna happen.


Add to that the new iphone commercials and the over played Avoid the Stork PSA's and I make sure to keep the remote close by.

I think that means I've been gone too long

Looks like my blog template was broken and I need a new one.

Who doesn't love a good makeover?

MIA

I can hardly believe how long it's been since I've posted. For awhile I was trying to come up with something profound for my 100th post. That never happened. Instead I kind of took a break from blogging and even reading blogs.

There really isn't anything new. I think we're coming up on 3 months and from my standpoint we're no closer to resolution than we were... I might be angrier, more bitter, still sad.

My coworker that did IVF just as we were starting our first cycle is due next week. I sit right next to her and hear every conversation she has about how ready she is to be done being pregnant, what she's trying to get labor going, how she's going to ask for an induction date. It pretty much sucks.

I have another coworker and I think her ER will be next week. I so want this to work for her since she's older but then the jealousy comes into play. Why does she get to have another child at 40-something when we can't even have one (pitty party for one, please).

I've gone to acupuncture a few times and really like the acupuncturist but it's really just something to make it feel like I'm doing something even though we're not. I don't think it will really do what I want it to do (you know - I want it to give me super eggs so we can try IVF again). I'm going to have to back off on the frequency of my appts due to $$ - it's too bad because it's very relaxing.

On another note, I completed my first sprint tri over the weekend and I am insanely proud of myself. I didn't even come in last :P (not that I was speedy by any means). I've never been anything close to athletic. It was a lot of fun though and I'm looking forward to doing another - it's just too bad I can't convince myself that training is fun.

Negotiations

I think DH and I are making progress. We're no longer whispering "bend to my will" at each other in an attempt to get our way.

It still feels so strange to have to negotiate with your spouse about how you're going to approach trying to conceive your child. I want to try IVF one more time (my eggs and his sperm) with all the bells and whistles like acupuncture and wheat grass. That may provide the closure I need (I'm not crazy. I don't think it will work) - maybe even have some phone consults. DH won't agree to IVF again but if I request our records, I can call as many Drs as I'd like.

I want to try DE with his sperm if the hypothetical next IVF doesn't work. I've been vetoed due to financial considerations. However, it can be back on the table if ds doesn't work.

My last choice is to try IVF again with 1/2 ds. This is a really hard concession for me to make - I can't verbalize why. It's just a gut feeling that I'm trying to overcome. DH wants to try a few IUI's first. We'll see. The only thing I get out of this is that I want a "definitive" answer of how bad my eggs are before insurance open enrollment in the fall. That way we can change insurance if for some reason we could get more IF coverage and any money towards donor egg expenses.

There is currently a 2 year wait list for donor embryo at our clinic. This is the option that we're actually able to agree on. Neither of us want to wait that long right now.

Then there's adoption - I honestly can't figure out where this fits. Experiencing pregnancy, hearing my baby's heartbeat, seeing him/her on ultrasound, and feeling kicks are so important to me. There are just things I feel much more comfortable about with adoption. Plus, I just don't think anything else is going to work and I don't want to be in this place of decision making a year from now. The negotiations on this one have stalled. DH was willing to give up to a point - we can start looking into it but can't start putting any money towards it.

The only thing we've 100% agreed on is that we have to do something. We just need to figure out what that will be. Fast. Like yesterday. And I'll probably give in to DH for the pure fact that I don't want to go through another birthday or Mother's day the same way we have for the last two years.

Things would be so much easier if I just wanted what he wants.....or if I could bend him to my will. Let's not forget the money tree that I'm watching for in the backyard.

Thank God for good friends

I sometimes spend too much time thinking of all the ways IF has hurt some of my relationships - but I'm glad I'm not so far gone that I can't recognize some of my biggest supporters. I have two coworkers that I don't think I'd make it without.

Yesterday was a bad day - really bad. It started off with me looking at the IVF fee list from our clinic. (This is where all the OOP ladies are going to want to kill me for bitching) Even though we are out of covered IVF attempts and money for meds, I think we still have some coverage for monitoring. I did a little math thinking that I'd be able to justify trying just one more time. Then I looked at our savings account. Then I cried. A lot. At my desk. At work. I had an ugly, silent (I hope) meltdown about once an hour. All day.

I have no idea how we'll come up with money to pay for a partially covered cycle, much less a DE cycle or adoption. Someday maybe. But seeing that number scared me. For the first time I really it really hit me that it's possible this might never happen for us. Maybe that's not quite true - but it was the first time I felt it was due to a financial reason (See, I warned you . And no, you really don't have to feel sorry for the whiny girl who had IF coverage.)

Anyway, back to my original point.... My coworker, the one pregnant from her 1st IVF (does that actually happen?!?!), must have asked me a question about something and I lost it. Again. At work. Yes, I'm 29 and know I should be ashamed.

She decided we should get out of the office for a few minutes and go for a walk. I love that she cares enough to try to help - and it does help to have someone to talk to that can understand some parts of this. It's especially great that she can admit she can't fully understand. She asked some good questions and tried to pry some pros and cons of our different options out of me. These just aren't decisions I can do that with. Yes, there are pros and cons of each option but what about the emotional component? There is no logical reason for me to want to try an IVF cycle again. I don't actually think it will work - and I'm pretty darn sure DrC doesn't think it will either. Why do other options make me feel ok and some creep me out a bit.

There is no logical reason for me to break down whenever I try to discuss my thoughts with my husband. I'm pretty sure his idea of a sexy wife isn't the whimpering mess on the couch sobbing about how it's unfair and how I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. Needless to say, that conversation didn't go very far.

Things that came out of my mess of a day yesterday:

• I called my insurance company today to get clarification on what donor related things were covered - too bad they couldn't help me.
  

• I made an appointment with the therapist again - even though I don't want to part with the $$ right now AND Dh offered to come with me if I wanted. That has NEVER happened. I didn't take him up on it this time but he can be sure I'll collect.

• I think that by the end of the week I might be able to call the RE for some clarification on our options. Hopefully, I won't completely choke and end up having to cut the call short. Maybe there is some testing we can do to narrow things down before we start"experimenting" or he'll have some ideas of things I can do to help egg quality (I know I could Google, but honestly I spent the last year learning about sperm - I'm beyond done with internet research).

• I think I only cried 2 or 3 times today...