Really?

About a week ago I noticed a swollen/lumpy area on my throat. The sore throat I had at the same time mostly went away over the weekend but it's still a little hard to swallow when I'm eating. I decided to make an appointment for it tomorrow since I was off work but the Drs office was booked today, tomorrow, and Friday. While I was perfectly ok waiting until Monday, the person in scheduling suggested I see one of the Drs working urgent care today instead of trying to schedule something for next week.

I went, I sat, I waited...and waited. Why is it that the waiting is always so much longer than the time you spend with the Dr? Anyway, it turns out I have a swollen lymph node (suck it, R - I wasn't imagining things even if you couldn't feel it). Apparently, this is probably caused by an infection somewhere - most likely a skin infection. Then the nice Dr commented on the ugly breakout I have and noticed that the acne issue is worse on the side with the swollen lymph node.

Awesome.

So, let's see...I'm 29 and have skin so bad that it's caused an infection. Really?!? Hopefully, the antibiotics will clear up the skin issue. I've been considering taking something for my skin again since it's been so bad, I just figured I should wait so I don't wonder if it somehow impacted my egg quality.

That thought actually leads me to wonder - will there ever be a day when I don't wonder if every.little.thing will have some impact on my fertility? I'd like to think so but there is a distinct possibility that I'm so crazy I'll still be analyzing things when I'm 50 wondering "what if". I hope not.

I'm considering it a positive thing that for the first time in 3 years (41 cycles), I didn't know what cycle day it was and couldn't remember the day my last period started. Does that count as progress? Have I come to terms with what our options really are or is it just that I've completely given up?

Something for me to ponder... while I'm pondering how well alcohol goes with my Zpak :)

Why Exercise and Alcohol don't mix

The feeling you have at 6am from 2 or 3 (ok...maybe more like 4) glasses of wine is much different than how you feel at 4:30 am. Plus, I HAVE to go to work. I did not have to go to spin.

In the last 6-ish weeks, I think I've worked out 3 times....I need to get back into my routine!

I'll take my Holiday Cheer from the bottle

I'll admit my Grinch like tendencies have been surfacing. I don't know if it's all picture Christmas cards (that have been going straight to the trash...not too proud of that) or what. The past two years I've been mostly able to handle the cards.

Last year, we only displayed the close friends/ those whose kids were "planned". Hows that for bitchy. This year we look at them and they're out long enough for whoever didn't open the card to see them. Then they go to the garbage. One card through me into an ugly meltdown since that's how I found out the gender of their new baby on the way. That reaction didn't make me feel all that proud, either.

So my cheer this year will be provided by a nice little buzz courtesy of the liquor department or the new Trader Joes. I should have a great time sampling my way through the 3 buck chuck and beer varieties. So yea, until the new year I'll be allowing myself plenty to drink and I'll save that part of my healthy attitude until after.

Maybe once I stop drinking as much, I'll be able to get up early for my workouts again, too :P

Four weeks of doing nothing is apparently too long (not that I didn't enjoy it ;) ) I went back to spin this morning and it was rough. It was insanely hard to get up this morning...so cold and dark. Class wasn't much better. It seems like I've lost quite a bit of strength/endurance during my break. I just hope it comes back to me.

I only felt some little twinges around my incision and avoiding aero position seemed to help. Tomorrow I hope to get up early enough that I'm the first one to the pool. I'd like to avoid showcasing my weird stomach bulge. I notice it through my jeans so I haven't been looking forward to wearing a swimming suit.

When I called to ask how long the weirdness (I have lots of fun names for the bulge...my favorite is DH's "stomach dimple". It almost sounds cute!) would last, the nurse said she'd had a c-section late this summer and still had hers. Not what I wanted to hear. Plus, I think mine should go away more quickly because I didn't get the take home prize :P

Oh yea - one year ago tomorrow we went in for our first (cancelled) transfer. I remember how cheerful and optimistic we were while we killed some time with an IHOP breakfast. I'm not sure you can get that kind of naive optimism back but it would be nice if you could. For now I'll just sulk about how we should be getting ready for a possible transfer this week but my stupid ute had to ruin it. To make myself feel better - prepare to be jealous- I'm having a bacon-cheese Angus burger for dinner. I'm only having a small french fry though... that makes it basically good for me, right? ;) Some days it's the little things.

What can I say? I've been busy.

Busy sitting around on my butt at least. I've been "recovering" from my surgery. I was told I couldn't work out for 4 weeks and I've been taking that pretty seriously. At first, I was annoyed and didn't think I'd be able to handle it.... now I'm wondering how I'm going to start again! It's been pretty nice sleeping in :)

I went on a short treadmill walk over lunch the other day and I was surprised at how quickly my legs got tired. Hopefully my swim tomorrow goes a little better.

At least training will give me something to do until the holidays. Last year I was pretty Grinch-y and I'm going to try to be more positive this year. We shouldn't have any major disappointment between now and Christmas this year like we did last year around this time. I just can't help thinking that I should have been having my ER today or tomorrow (if my ute hadn't decided to be a little bitch).

As worried as I was that the timing of this cycle was too close to the disaster that was IVF #1 (even though #1 was the same or actually a little better than 2...), it would have been much better than waiting. I'm done with waiting. It's my turn to do something darn it! It seems like the next 2 months will feel even longer than the 6-ish months it took DH and I to figure out how to move forward. By the time I start BCP for our next cycle, it will be just shy of a year since our last attempt. That can't be great for someone with egg quality issues, can it? My eggs sucked last year...will they be even worse now?

I've been feeling quiet

Late last month/early this month DH and had finally come to an agreement on what we were going to do. I honestly don't feel all that comfortable sharing some of these decisions on my Blog because I'm not sure who (someone who knows us) might be reading it.

Anyway, we had decided that we were going to do something that involved IVF (maybe even something that might give us an embryo or two to transfer?) before the end of the year - that would mean starting at the end of this month.
Exciting - maybe what we're changing could do the trick?!?!
Terrifying - it would be just a few days different than our first IVF last year (terrible
horrible failure). Could I really handle another Christmas like that?

At our clinic they like to do an SHG if it's been a year or more. Given the results last year, I expected to go in, take my pants off, put my pants back on, and be merrily on my way.

Of course, life is rarely that easy. My ute, the one thing we thought we had going for us, has decided not to play nice. After two attempts at injecting saline and a couple people leaning all over my legs trying to get a closer view at the u/s screen, my optimism was fading. I have a fibroid - and not the kind I can have removed with a hysteroscopy and be on my merry way. It has to be removed via abdominal incision. And then we have to wait 3 months before we can try any treatments. And not having it removed isn't an option (unless we decide not to pursue a pregnancy).

So now, who knows what will happen. I have to schedule the procedure during the first half of my cycle and we're trying to decide if we want to risk it working out in Dec (if it doesn't we will have to wait until Jan or possibly Feb) or if we should get it over with in Nov. Plus, this gives us more time to change our minds. DH has recently become open to more of our options and that isn't making any of this easier.

Seriously, I spend 6 months trying to want what he does and then he goes and changes his mind. crap, crap, crap

In the mean time, I'm taking CoQ10 (haven't figured out how much...so if you have been taking it, how much have you been taking?) and I started DHEA the other day. I think this has raised my hopes too much but if I try it maybe I'll be able to move on when this doesn't work.

Back in my fat pants :(

I've pretty much always struggled with my weight and I've been on a "diet" or some sort since I was about 10 or so. The first year of college wasn't very kind to me but a crazy work schedule the summer after my freshman year helped me get down to about 140 lbs...one day I even saw 139 (I honestly dream about seeing that number on a scale again. I saw it once and it's now become the unattainable goal). I maintained that size for a couple years but gained again when DH and I were dating.

I lost that weight before our wedding - again a crazy work schedule (I worked 3rd shift) and a diet mt dew for "lunch" every night. After the wedding I gained again but I don't think I realized how quickly or how much I was gaining. I was very unhappy working night shift and didn't really fit in the position I had at work. I was stopping for a donut or two almost every morning on my way home from work and washing that down with a beer while I searched for a new job.

I did find a new job (day hours), we moved back to a town where we knew people, and I weighed myself. I topped out at about 164. Somehow I was able to lose that - probably more slowly than I remember it being. I was getting into running and my work schedule had me home about 4:30 or 5pm so we could get to the gym before it got busy and home again before it was too late. Plus, I think I was happy.

That job started getting pretty stressful and even though I'm a stress eater - I was too stressed to eat. I was also working out with a trainer for a bit around that time (to help me reduce my stress) and even though I wasn't particularly happy with life - I was pretty darn happy with my body. Never got down much past 142 but was pretty toned for me.

They cycle began again - found a new job, was happier, lost some of my muscle tone but my clothes still fit and the scale didn't move up too much. Then about a year after that I gained a little. Not lifting made me a little flabbier....we'd been trying for a baby for a few months and I started eating a little more....148 lbs. I said I'd never get back up above 150 so I joined weight watchers. Lost a few pounds.

I think I was at about 144 or 145 with clothes on at our 1st RE appt. 8 or 9 months later (when we started our first IVF) I was about 156 or 157 without clothes. Those 12 pounds really snuck up on me, I was running all last summer and knew my pants were getting a bit tight but I couldn't really stop or lose that weight.

Last fall I started tri training - 2 days of spinning for an hour and 2 days swimming for an hour. I tried to run on Friday but skipped once in awhile. Still couldn't lose but at least I wasn't gaining. Didn't gain over the winter, or in HI, or during our last IVF cycle. Even made it most of the way through the summer.... but now I've been teetering on the edge of 160 again. 159 some days, 161 others.

I'm still not sure how this happened. All I know is that I broke down today and got my fat pants out. The pants I used to be able to pull off without unbuttoning. The pants I packed away for when I was pregnant so I could put off buying maternity pants. And they fit. One pair is even a bit snug.

I really don't even know what to do. I've been working out and tracking my food. I'm eating healthier than I used to and I'm almost at my heaviest weight ever. I want to be in good shape when I get pregnant. I want 160 to be the number I see a few months in to the pregnancy or near the end. Not where I start. I want my smaller jeans and my cute shirts to fit. I'm sick of hiding my muffin top under my over sized race shirts.