Time is standing still

A big change from the last 2-3 years, right?


I never really posted about our WTF but there weren't really any surprises. You don't do 3 IVF's with nothing to transfer and expect puppy dogs and rainbows.

We can try DE but don't really know what kind of chance we'll have. Could be the same as the clinic's typical rates, could be slightly lower because of the MFI issue, or it could be WAAAY lower. And it'll be right around 18K to find out.

We've been trying to figure out how much insurance might pick up (turns out I have pretty great insurance that covers donor egg... Or it would have - if I hadn't used up my benefits). At least the transfer would be covered since we haven't done that yet :P

So here we are. Waiting for information from the clinic, from my Benefits Advocate at work, from the insurance company. Waiting for the husband to decide what kind of cash he's willing to gamble. Waiting to get too involved into looking at adoption in case we do try DE.

I'm tired of waiting. I want my baby dammit.

I don't think I can survive another week

I'm not sure why it always amazes me so much but it seems as stuck as I am, the rest of the world keeps going. Life goes on even when it doesn't feel like I'm living it - or even participating. I called the day after our "transfer" and still couldn't get in to see our RE until the end of next week. I really don't think I can handle waiting until then. It's not that I actually want to hear what he has to say (i'm guessing it will be something like "your eggs are super crap") but I need to hear it so that we can move forward. Whatever that means.

One

We'll see what Wednesday brings.


(FYI-I'm not feeling nearly as balanced as that sounds)

Three

The Dr called about 11:30 yesterday...a little later than they normally do but I guess in the back of my mind I kind of realized that might happen since it was a weekend.

They tried fertilizing 5 and 3 made it. In reality that isn't much different than the 4 we can last time - of course, that was 4 of 8 so maybe this is a little better?

So the Dr called, told me how many fertilized, said they'd see me Wed for the transfer of 2 or maybe all 3. That's when I lost it. I managed to sputter out something like "do you think any will make it". He answer: and said I'd get an update if anything happened.... and I cried more. Pretty I'd scared the crap out of DH with all my crying at that point.

Then we went to run some errands and eat Red Lobster :) (I am a total emotional eater if you haven't noticed).

In all honesty, I have a lot of hope for others when they get 4 or 5 mature eggs. See no reason why an IVF can't work with 3 embryos - FOR THEM.

I don't buy it for us. I've had more eggs than this (and they were all mature so WTH happened this time) and we've had more embryos than this. BUT we didn't make it to transfer either of those times. I know we made a pretty major change but I still imagine walking into the clinic getting the same bad news.

A watched pot never boils

And the phone never rings when you're sitting around the house waiting for your fert report.

Not only am I getting pissy that my day will be on hold until they call but I am paranoid that they are trying to call and the phone isn't ringing. (My phone frequently sends callers straight to voicemail and without me ever knowing)

I don't know what to do anymore

This morning we got 9 but only 4 or 5 are mature. I don't even know what to do with that information. Other cycles we've gotten about 50% fert so that doesn't seem good either.

I just don't know if I can handle another cancelled transfer. We couldn't even make it that far when I had 12 mature. I really thought my expectations for this cycle were reasonable but this hurts so much more than I'd imagined.

I can't handle not knowing what we're going to do next or if trying donor egg will be a colossal failure, too.

and.....

I triggered tonight! ER is early, early, early Friday morning.

I have to admit I've been a little peeved at my slow, lazy ovaries this week... I am on the same dose of everything I've been on the last 2 cycles and I still wasn't ready for a Wed or Thurs ER (Nurse said it was somewhat related to my high estrogen at the beginning of my cycle. There is actually one other patient this week who is having the same situation).

Since I was out of repronex, I was able to use some of the follistim I had left instead. I did 150 of that last night and went in for a last minute scan this morning. I guess everything looked good because I got to trigger tonight.

I'm a bit bummed because I've really been counting on a reason to take 2 days of vacation this week and now I don't have one. The very good news is...


DH will be here for my ER now! He's been gone for work since the beginning of March and was supposed to get back on Sat. I guess they decided last week that they were coming back a couple days early. He had everything all arranged to surprise me but called today when I told him I finally had a trigger time (thought since he would be here it would be good for me to let my coworker know she didn't have to give me a ride).

I am so relieved. There hasn't been a melt down yet but I know there are one or two coming...and it's so nice that there is a smaller chance it will be in front of co-worker :)

The nurse wouldn't tell me how many follicles I have in the running - she'd only go as far as saying plenty >:( What kind of an answer is that?!?! A nurse the other day said 10-12 so I hope that is still the case.

Now the next 33-ish hours just have to go fast!