Wallowing and randomness

I haven't had much inspiration to post in awhile. You could say I've been in a mood.

I've been all wallow-y and angry lately. Wallowing because I've started getting lapped by others dealing with infertility. It's not just the spontaneous pregnancies but some ladies who cycled around the time of our first IVF are going back to treatment, too.

Of course, I should be super excited for their successes and I am happy for them BUT I am jealous (very, very jealous). Then I'm pissed at myself for all the jealousy I'm feeling.

I'm also very, very angry at all the ladies out there who seem to have what I want most in the world. Good eggs and plenty of them (ok - 2nd most because first most is a baby)). We've been looking at donor profiles and besides making me sad, I can't get over how pissed I am that not only do these girls have really good eggs but they have extras to spare.

That's not exactly the grateful donor recipient attitude I should have, is it?

Why do my eggs have to suck so much? I've looked through my testing info - I don't have a super human response to stims but my AFC is decent. My FSH is below 5. Everything is normal, except my eggs can't support decent embryo growth. Why? We were responsible. Did everything in the right order. Waited an "appropriate" amount of time after getting married to start trying but didn't wait "too" long. It's all complete bull shit.

Then I wonder if we're being selfish going this direction instead of adopting. And I wonder how we're going to manage with the credit cards we'll probably have to max out to do this (for an unknown chance at being successful). I've pondered the idea of adopting and then trying for a pregnancy later but I don't see being able to take that kind of financial risk if we already had a child. If it weren't for the financial aspects I'd be doing much more serious looking into our adoption options. I also can't see not trying with DH's sperm considering he had two surgeries to get what we have frozen.

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be partially through the process if this next cycle doesn't work out. Heck, I wouldn't mind being into the process even if the cycle DOES work. we just wouldn't be able to handle the cycle costs and adoption fees at anytime close together.

I hate that I have to deal with this and I hate that friends have to deal with it. This sucks.

Time is standing still

A big change from the last 2-3 years, right?


I never really posted about our WTF but there weren't really any surprises. You don't do 3 IVF's with nothing to transfer and expect puppy dogs and rainbows.

We can try DE but don't really know what kind of chance we'll have. Could be the same as the clinic's typical rates, could be slightly lower because of the MFI issue, or it could be WAAAY lower. And it'll be right around 18K to find out.

We've been trying to figure out how much insurance might pick up (turns out I have pretty great insurance that covers donor egg... Or it would have - if I hadn't used up my benefits). At least the transfer would be covered since we haven't done that yet :P

So here we are. Waiting for information from the clinic, from my Benefits Advocate at work, from the insurance company. Waiting for the husband to decide what kind of cash he's willing to gamble. Waiting to get too involved into looking at adoption in case we do try DE.

I'm tired of waiting. I want my baby dammit.

I don't think I can survive another week

I'm not sure why it always amazes me so much but it seems as stuck as I am, the rest of the world keeps going. Life goes on even when it doesn't feel like I'm living it - or even participating. I called the day after our "transfer" and still couldn't get in to see our RE until the end of next week. I really don't think I can handle waiting until then. It's not that I actually want to hear what he has to say (i'm guessing it will be something like "your eggs are super crap") but I need to hear it so that we can move forward. Whatever that means.

One

We'll see what Wednesday brings.


(FYI-I'm not feeling nearly as balanced as that sounds)

Three

The Dr called about 11:30 yesterday...a little later than they normally do but I guess in the back of my mind I kind of realized that might happen since it was a weekend.

They tried fertilizing 5 and 3 made it. In reality that isn't much different than the 4 we can last time - of course, that was 4 of 8 so maybe this is a little better?

So the Dr called, told me how many fertilized, said they'd see me Wed for the transfer of 2 or maybe all 3. That's when I lost it. I managed to sputter out something like "do you think any will make it". He answer: and said I'd get an update if anything happened.... and I cried more. Pretty I'd scared the crap out of DH with all my crying at that point.

Then we went to run some errands and eat Red Lobster :) (I am a total emotional eater if you haven't noticed).

In all honesty, I have a lot of hope for others when they get 4 or 5 mature eggs. See no reason why an IVF can't work with 3 embryos - FOR THEM.

I don't buy it for us. I've had more eggs than this (and they were all mature so WTH happened this time) and we've had more embryos than this. BUT we didn't make it to transfer either of those times. I know we made a pretty major change but I still imagine walking into the clinic getting the same bad news.

A watched pot never boils

And the phone never rings when you're sitting around the house waiting for your fert report.

Not only am I getting pissy that my day will be on hold until they call but I am paranoid that they are trying to call and the phone isn't ringing. (My phone frequently sends callers straight to voicemail and without me ever knowing)

I don't know what to do anymore

This morning we got 9 but only 4 or 5 are mature. I don't even know what to do with that information. Other cycles we've gotten about 50% fert so that doesn't seem good either.

I just don't know if I can handle another cancelled transfer. We couldn't even make it that far when I had 12 mature. I really thought my expectations for this cycle were reasonable but this hurts so much more than I'd imagined.

I can't handle not knowing what we're going to do next or if trying donor egg will be a colossal failure, too.