I can't believe it's been a whole month since I updated my blog! I can't say there has been anything new. I've been really busy at work and trying to reduce my internet time at home. The hope was that I'd think less about IF, if I could focus on other things. ... It didn't work.

My goal was to not blog on bad days, but to wait until I had something really good and happy to blog about. That's not to say that there isn't any happiness in my life - because there is. It's just that IF is always in the background and I can't seem to shake it. I know there are so many things in my life I should be grateful for and I should focus on that. For some reason that last week or two I've been in a funk and haven't been able to break out of it. I don't have energy to go and do anything, but at the same time I feel like crawling out of my skin...I can't think of a better way to explain it.

Seriously, I have turned completely loony.
(confession1: I know it could be worse - but this experience has really felt like the worst thing I could survive. Even worse confession: there are days when I think this is the worst IF possible to deal with. I know it isn't true, but I still have days where I feel this way. I feel robbed of our chance to even try.)

Today was a real reminder of how much worse it could be. Friends of ours, just days away from having their first, lost a family member this morning in some kind of freak accident. At the last update they hadn't heard about the cause of the fire. I can't imagine losing a family member or trying to balance so much grief with the happiness of new life.