Countdown to Doom

At least that's what it feels like. In just about a week and a half we'll find out if we can try IVF (the easy decision) or we'll find out that we're missing some of the ingredients (that's where the hard decisions will come in).

I really, really, really hope we get good news. Even though we've had almost 6 months to ponder all the "what ifs", I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I'm scheduled to take that whole week off work to either celebrate or grieve.

I'd love to be able to find a silver lining in all of this, but I'm having a hard time with that. I can't even say IF has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. It hasn't. If anything we just keep fighting more and talking less. At this point we're basically just coexisting and ignoring the giant pink elephant in the room.

I feel like all IF has done is beat me down. It's shaken my faith, marriage, idea of happiness, friendships, and my plans for the future. I realize some of my feelings are due the uncertainty of the last 6 months and I hope that just making a decision will help relieve some of the pressure. I just wonder how long it will take to do that.


This is probably why I haven't blogged recently even though I've felt like I had a lot to say. It's all depressing! Once I start typing it's like all of the good/fun things I've been doing disappear from my brain! Ah well - if you've made it this far - thanks. I promise I'll be a little more upbeat eventually. I swear in real life I am happy and upbeat sometimes...