Hmmm...

So DH and I went to see Julie & Julia today (FYI there could be some spoilers - I'll try to avoid it). It just made me wonder just how much IF has changed me. I don't think it's a movie that is supposed to make you cry and yet my eyes teared up at 3 places. The 3rd was the fight with some watery eyes.

The other 2 places were actual deep breathing, breath catching, barely managed not to sob tears. So the questions for those of you who've seen it are:

1) Can you pinpoint which parts of the movie caused this insane response?
2) What was your reaction?
3) Have you experienced IF?

I am genuinely curious to see how "sensitive" this experience has made me. I wonder, if things had gone as planned, would I even have noticed these 2 parts of the movie? Maybe there are other parts that I didn't notice because of experiences I haven't had.

I had a similar experience with the movie Up. Although, I didn't have the tears my pregnant co-worker had, it was very thought provoking and prompted an interesting discussion between DH and myself. Yes, we could decide to live child-free and be ok but it isn't what we want right now. DH pointed out that soon our friends would be done having babies and that would probably make it easier (a couple of them are already and the others are pregnant with or have had #1).

I am sure he is right. Once friends are done being pregnant and having babies the jealousy may not be as raw - but it won't be anything that goes away. It makes me think back to a conversation we had about month 4 of TTC, when I asked if DH would ever be ok with using a donor and he said no. I don't remember what the verdict was about adoption. I do remember we said that maybe, if we couldn't have children, we would just spoil our friends' kids and make them all jealous with the vacations we could take. We wouldn't need daycare money!

How things change with experience. If only we could be that naive again!

Anyway - I wish everyone a wonderful Labor Day weekend! (and I really am curious about your take on Julie & Julia)

Countdown to Doom

At least that's what it feels like. In just about a week and a half we'll find out if we can try IVF (the easy decision) or we'll find out that we're missing some of the ingredients (that's where the hard decisions will come in).

I really, really, really hope we get good news. Even though we've had almost 6 months to ponder all the "what ifs", I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I'm scheduled to take that whole week off work to either celebrate or grieve.

I'd love to be able to find a silver lining in all of this, but I'm having a hard time with that. I can't even say IF has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. It hasn't. If anything we just keep fighting more and talking less. At this point we're basically just coexisting and ignoring the giant pink elephant in the room.

I feel like all IF has done is beat me down. It's shaken my faith, marriage, idea of happiness, friendships, and my plans for the future. I realize some of my feelings are due the uncertainty of the last 6 months and I hope that just making a decision will help relieve some of the pressure. I just wonder how long it will take to do that.


This is probably why I haven't blogged recently even though I've felt like I had a lot to say. It's all depressing! Once I start typing it's like all of the good/fun things I've been doing disappear from my brain! Ah well - if you've made it this far - thanks. I promise I'll be a little more upbeat eventually. I swear in real life I am happy and upbeat sometimes...

30 Day Shred Level 1, Day 1

It looks like I've come full circle this past year. It was just over one year ago that I started this blog to chronicle my workout efforts. It was just under one year ago that I shifted my workouts to jogging in order to "train" for the October half-marathon.

Why am I trying to start an overall fitness routine again? Because even my fat pants are too small now. Clothes that used to fall off me, are snug or unwearable. And basically, that is just added sh$t that I don't want to deal with.

Sooo.. I'm hoping to get a more balanced approach this year. I think I can do it. Last year my longest run prior to the half was 6 miles. So far I've done one run of 6.5 - and I still have another 2 months to train. Adding some overall conditioning should only help....right? I'd really like to improve my times - it's hard to get the miles out when you know you'll be running for 2-3 hours.

You would think

I keep thinking that since I have all this time where we are just waiting, that I could stop thinking about it. I just can't. Everyday I look at the calendar and make a mental note of either how many days/weeks until I get to meet with the therapist or until we find out if we can try for a biological child. Thankfully, the appointment with the therapist comes first.

I've tried a few different tactics to take my mind off of it but they haven't really been working.

Believe me, I know these aren't exactly new or original thoughts - I'm sure that there are a lot of other ladies out there that have felt the exact same way (and that helps more than you know).

How did I get here? Shouldn't TTC be an exciting time - how did it turn into something so painful and downright scary?

Should I really feel as badly as I do about all of this? I have a pretty great life and a good marriage. We are both relatively healthy and employed. We have a house we can still afford - two wonderful kitties and our pup that fill the house with fur, entertainment, and love.

This isn't the worst thing that could happen. I know that. And it's not like there aren't other options - either donor options or adoption. Why doesn't that feel like enough?

Why am I always asking 'why'? I hate that I always feel like a whiny baby when I think about how we're going to get through this.

How do I balance my anger, sadness, and jealousy when I should be feeling happy for others. Will I ever get over wondering if someone had to try "hard enough" to get their baby and if they didn't really have to try, do the appreciate that?

Is it ok for me to throat punch the next person who asks me 1) are we going to have children 2) when are we going to have children 3) don't we want children and 4) (my new favorite) "So are you guys waiting until you're 40 to have kids, or what"?

2 more months

It will be another 2 months until we have any answers - but it will be a definitive one. The worst part of this being scheduled so far out, is that I feel like I still would have a chance to do a concombinant IVF cycle. Maybe it's a sign that I should? Crap - more time to second guess our choice.

I am still hoping I make it to the IF support group sometime soon - even after my traumatic experience yesterday. After a tear-filled drive home, I decided it was time to make an appointment with the therapist. A few weeks ago I called our clinic and asked for a recommendation, but I hadn't done anything past checking into insurance coverage. I called today and made an appointment ($150 AFTER insurance- WTF!). It's not for another month, but I think it will be good to talk to someone before everything else happens. I'm going on my own and I was hoping I could convince DH to go once and then schedule an appt to go together. I know I can get him to go with me, but it doesn't seem like he's very interested in going on his own.

This is the kind of luck I have

I finally decided to try out the support group I heard about in town. I get there, wander around the warehouse of a church with kids and adults running all over the place, and find the room empty and dark. My best guess is that it was canceled this week because of vacation bible school.

I suppose it's my own fault because I should have double checked (not sure who I would have double checked with...). All I've heard is the 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month. For the last 8 months whenever I've thought about going, or checked into seeing if they were still meeting they always were. Just not tonight.

What a waste of an hour.

Dr. RE, please don't steer us wrong

First off - thanks for the comments and reinforcement that I'm not crazy.

So we had the much anticipated appointment with Dr 2 yesterday. (anyone who has already been subjected to the vent on this may want to skip this blog entry) What a waste! First off, we didn't get called back until a half hour after our scheduled appointment and the nurse followed that up with asking why we were there. Didn't we discuss coordinate things with Dr RE's office? WTF?!? Not like DH didn't specify that when he made the appointment. There is a surgery involved - shouldn't it be expected that we'd want to discuss the details with the person performing the procedure?

So... a little over a half hour after that, the Dr actually came in and we had a semi-useless 5-10 minute conversation in the exam room. Granted we were irritated by the wait, but it just didn't feel like he was really listening to our questions. I guess I'm spoiled by our RE - it may be hard to talk to him in person, but at least the office is pretty good about answering voicemails.

It was a really disappointing visit and if Dr RE hadn't said that this was the Dr we should see (unless we wanted to go to NY), I think we'd be going to the University Clinic out of town. I've still considered that, but I'm tired of the waiting and uncertainty.

Anyway, I called Dr RE today to ask a couple last questions and ask how to handle getting the procedure scheduled, but he was out. That means tomorrow is the day. I'll have to make a decision and it is scaring the crap out of me. I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, even though we won't know what we should have done until this is all over. Hopefully, Dr RE will help validate our decision tomorrow.

At any rate, I hope we can get things scheduled soon and I hope the Drs find what we need. Please work, please work, please work.