I could have done without the "symptoms"

No, I'm not having phantom symptoms. I'm not quite that delusional ;) However, I did spend most of today convinced that I will be starting my period any second. Not likely. That would not only make this the shortest cycle ever, but life just doesn't work that way. If anything, this cycle will drag on endlessly just because I am waiting for CD 1 so I can start testing. Who would have thought I'd welcome cycle 24 with open arms?

It seems so odd trying to read into all of the pre-period twinges when I've spend the last 6 months not caring. My period could come and go as it pleased, because I knew there would be no miracle pregnancy (I hope for a miracle pregnancy but am realistic enough to know it will be assisted my medical professionals! So we'll save the phantom symptoms for the 2ww after an IVF cycle.)

So here I am. Waiting impatiently, hoping for a short cycle so that I can be poked and prodded. It still seems so surreal. I've spent so long preparing to hear the worst, that I am having to readjust to the possibility of having a child that is genetically connected to both DH and myself. And you know what? I am FREAKED out that having a baby is a possibly again. Let's not forget the poking and prodding and injections, oh my!

Wonderful, Awesome, Fantastic, Good News

We called the lab director this afternoon since we hadn't heard anything since the surgery early yesterday. He was surprised that Dr2 hadn't called us yet.
Anway, he had good news for us - We have what we need to do IVF! Now we just need to call the RE to find out where we go from here.

Of course, I can't just sit around an enjoy this. I'm already worrying about the timeline. Will I be able to visit family around Christmas? If I'd need a lot of monitoring around then, should be postpone the cycle by a month? Should we wait so we can have a spring baby?

Ok, just kidding about the last one. Who would have thought that after all of this and almost 2 years, I'd still be hoping for a due date in a specific season. I need my head examined!

Off to be giddy! :-D

Ring Phone Ring!

It's been over 6 hours and no results yet. My guess means it's not good news (if it was really good news we would have known before leaving the hospital), and that makes me afraid to call. Plus, I don't know which office to call to ask. So....I guess I'll wait and see if someone calls us? Our RE does procedures out of the office once a week, so maybe he's going to call? AHHHHHHHH.

5 days and other very random thoughts

Yikes! I have no idea how I'm supposed to be able to concentrate at work for the next few days. thank goodness it was a 4 day week this week!

On another note, a coworker friend of mine of mine has an appointment with our RE in the next couple weeks. I am so excited for her because I don't feel like her Ob/Gyn was able to really figure out/give them the help they need. While they've been letting things happen or trying much longer than we have, their initial tests with her Dr were all ok. I really hope seeing a specialist is all they need.

I also want them to like him.... I recommended the clinic and like our Dr there - but - you could say he has a quirky sense of humor. I'll feel bad if they don't feel like they had a good experience.

Praying that there are at least 2 more miracles to come soon! My hopes have gotten up again for next week, but I can't help it. I just hope we can beat the odds - lots of odds. I want to find what we need to find and then have IVF work. That's not too much to ask - right?

Hmmm...

So DH and I went to see Julie & Julia today (FYI there could be some spoilers - I'll try to avoid it). It just made me wonder just how much IF has changed me. I don't think it's a movie that is supposed to make you cry and yet my eyes teared up at 3 places. The 3rd was the fight with some watery eyes.

The other 2 places were actual deep breathing, breath catching, barely managed not to sob tears. So the questions for those of you who've seen it are:

1) Can you pinpoint which parts of the movie caused this insane response?
2) What was your reaction?
3) Have you experienced IF?

I am genuinely curious to see how "sensitive" this experience has made me. I wonder, if things had gone as planned, would I even have noticed these 2 parts of the movie? Maybe there are other parts that I didn't notice because of experiences I haven't had.

I had a similar experience with the movie Up. Although, I didn't have the tears my pregnant co-worker had, it was very thought provoking and prompted an interesting discussion between DH and myself. Yes, we could decide to live child-free and be ok but it isn't what we want right now. DH pointed out that soon our friends would be done having babies and that would probably make it easier (a couple of them are already and the others are pregnant with or have had #1).

I am sure he is right. Once friends are done being pregnant and having babies the jealousy may not be as raw - but it won't be anything that goes away. It makes me think back to a conversation we had about month 4 of TTC, when I asked if DH would ever be ok with using a donor and he said no. I don't remember what the verdict was about adoption. I do remember we said that maybe, if we couldn't have children, we would just spoil our friends' kids and make them all jealous with the vacations we could take. We wouldn't need daycare money!

How things change with experience. If only we could be that naive again!

Anyway - I wish everyone a wonderful Labor Day weekend! (and I really am curious about your take on Julie & Julia)

Countdown to Doom

At least that's what it feels like. In just about a week and a half we'll find out if we can try IVF (the easy decision) or we'll find out that we're missing some of the ingredients (that's where the hard decisions will come in).

I really, really, really hope we get good news. Even though we've had almost 6 months to ponder all the "what ifs", I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I'm scheduled to take that whole week off work to either celebrate or grieve.

I'd love to be able to find a silver lining in all of this, but I'm having a hard time with that. I can't even say IF has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. It hasn't. If anything we just keep fighting more and talking less. At this point we're basically just coexisting and ignoring the giant pink elephant in the room.

I feel like all IF has done is beat me down. It's shaken my faith, marriage, idea of happiness, friendships, and my plans for the future. I realize some of my feelings are due the uncertainty of the last 6 months and I hope that just making a decision will help relieve some of the pressure. I just wonder how long it will take to do that.


This is probably why I haven't blogged recently even though I've felt like I had a lot to say. It's all depressing! Once I start typing it's like all of the good/fun things I've been doing disappear from my brain! Ah well - if you've made it this far - thanks. I promise I'll be a little more upbeat eventually. I swear in real life I am happy and upbeat sometimes...

30 Day Shred Level 1, Day 1

It looks like I've come full circle this past year. It was just over one year ago that I started this blog to chronicle my workout efforts. It was just under one year ago that I shifted my workouts to jogging in order to "train" for the October half-marathon.

Why am I trying to start an overall fitness routine again? Because even my fat pants are too small now. Clothes that used to fall off me, are snug or unwearable. And basically, that is just added sh$t that I don't want to deal with.

Sooo.. I'm hoping to get a more balanced approach this year. I think I can do it. Last year my longest run prior to the half was 6 miles. So far I've done one run of 6.5 - and I still have another 2 months to train. Adding some overall conditioning should only help....right? I'd really like to improve my times - it's hard to get the miles out when you know you'll be running for 2-3 hours.